I miss Karen!!
I made it through the weekend, dragging my butt around and keeping up as good a show as I could for Cosmo. We had one unexpectedly cold visit to the beach that was cut short due to the cold and one blissfully long visit to the beach during which Cosmo said hello to every living thing on the beach and rolled in one dead one. His first roll on a dead thing. That particular instinct is a hard one for my human mind to grasp, but then again there must be a thousand and one weird things that we humans do that are mystifying and baffling to him. Like what do I do when I step into that little glass room and the steam comes out the top and I step out wet and smelling, to him, what dead stuff all over him smells like to me. Or sitting here in front of this window (computer) in front of a window just staring at it. I see him up in the living room sometimes just sitting in front of a window either staring at it or out of it, or maybe he is just doing what he sees me doing and seeing if anything happens. I am pretty sure though that he would prefer that I pay a whole lot more attention to him and play something with him that he would like to play.
I really miss the conversations with Karen. I realize how quiet I am when I am home alone for such a long stretch. Sure enjoy quiet and cave time where there are no words coming at me from anyone or anywhere. And enough is enough. I notice I even miss the very loud conversations that are completely silent, like the raised eyebrow or the smile or the scowl or the twinkle or the myriad of expressions, gestures, moods, emotions, and all of the rest of the beautiful cacophony that occurs without words. The space is so empty of all of that during these long times when she is gone.
So I talk to myself and I talk to Cosmo. I listen to music and watch tv and read my email and keep myself busy and it just doesn’t replace that emptiness in the space. We are past the hump and it’s only a few days till she’s home. Because she is in some remote place in the Yucatan with no cell reception and a spotty internet skype connection in the lobby of this place she is staying we have had these two, comedy of errors, conversations where one of is always saying “can you hear me?” while the other one is saying the same thing, then it works for a few minutes and we can actually talk to each other and of course we don’t really know what to say because we both just want to hear the other ones voice and we are really done with hearing our own voice. Just as we figure all that out the phone messes up again and we stumble on and I am loving every moment of it. There she is huddled under a blanket, for privacy, in the middle of this lobby talking into her ipad, being cute as all get out, not really wanting to talk to me about what’s going on because there are other folks around her. So I talk about Cosmo, of course, and about the house and a little about work and me and we get to the point where she is yawning because it’s after midnight where she is and we have to hang up but neither one of us really want to. So we make kissy noises at each other and count to three and on three hang up. I sit for awhile staring at my computer screen feeling both completely full and completely empty at the same time. Full of Love, partnership, connection and the emptiness of missing and aloneness.
You know sometimes when we fight, because oh yes we do have disagreements, arguments and battle royals, at the height of the battle one of us might say something to the effect of “Why do you put up with me?” “Why do you stick around if I am so _____?” And of course the obvious answer is we are completely in love with each other. Today though I realized another reason why I love her so much and will stick around in the hard times. It’s that beautiful cacophony that fills the space in the silence. It fills the space in the universe, our world, our house and my heart.