Steak and Collard Greens

I am applauding my self for moving in the right direction and being on a path that will have me truly be in integrity with who I am.

I am applauding my self for moving in the right direction and being on a path that will have me truly be in integrity with who I am.

Well my consciousness is growing! I am going to run down my menu for yesterday and what I noticed around the food, the amounts, and the attachments.

I had two cups of yerba mate with a small dollop of honey. I am not sure with tea what to do with my 1/3 moderation. I could cut back to one cup or take smaller cups. I do notice I am up against a habit here. I have virtuously replaced my morning coffee with yerba mate but I haven’t replaced the habit with moderation. I think I will have smaller cups tomorrow and see.

I had 4 strips of bacon and two eggs and 2 small pieces of oat toast for breakfast. I reduced the eggs to two from my habitual three and the toast from 2 large pieces. I didn’t moderate on the bacon because of another habit or addiction. There were four pieces left in the fridge and I felt I couldn’t just take one or two and leave the rest, it was an “oh what the hell” moment that wasn’t fed by bodily desire but by some other need around finishing up or cleaning the plate or something. My goal for that breakfast would be 1 egg, 2 strips bacon and 1 oat toast.

For lunch I had half a bowl of tomato soup, this felt virtuous and like I was in a place of moderation, however I got hungry an hour and a half later and went and got half a bowl of nuts and rice crackers which is an habitual grazing behavior in the afternoon that I believe was set off by having a non substantial lunch. My goal for that lunch would be to have a salad with the soup.

I had a glass of wine before dinner, which would have been fine if I left it at that. But I also had a glass of wine with dinner and a glass of wine after dinner. The glass of wine after dinner was purely emotional and came from a place of hopelessness and even had some qualities of the sneaker, trying to get away with something or cheat, it was kicked into gear by the second glass of wine and by some loneliness I think. The second glass of wine I justified as needing to go with the steak I was having for dinner, however there was a part of me that was watching both of these ridiculous rationales for not moderating with the wine and taking notes. I truly enjoyed the first glass of wine and I am not sure I even tasted the rest and yet part of me felt I needed to drink them for a multitude of stupid and emotional reasons.

Dinner was one of my favorites. I grilled a large steak that I had rubbed with some spices and I took two pieces of our bacon and put them in the frypan and added the chopped collard greens. I had used half the amount of bacon that I normally used and ate a piece of the steak that was about 2/3s of the size that I would normally have eaten. I also added some kim chee to the plate. In retrospect I could have taken even less steak and less greens and been fine. I didn’t feel a lot of difficulty in reducing the size of this meal in the future.

An hour or so later I went up for a bowl of fruit and yogurt with a dollop of maple syrup and filled the bowl to half of what I would normally have taken. I could have even taken less of this tasty desert concoction and been happy.

So all in all I am moving in the right direction and feel like I am laying solid ground for this program. I will continue to watch the patterns and attachments and look at unplugging them as I move into this. I will also work on not setting myself up for perfection upon officially kicking this off. I really want to hold the four agreements as I move forward with this plan.

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