I am aware that I reach a point in commitment and intention, and it comes frequently, where I feel fat, out of shape, filled with inertia, depressed, hopeless and like I don’t wanna. This point often comes after a time of big push and lots of social connections and exercising of my power and my ability to connect and listen. After times like that I often want to crawl in a hole and eat ice cream. I am extremely familiar with these periodic events of, what I call, breakdown that follow a time of activity that is more accelerated than my day to day life. These breakdowns have often led to quitting. Quitting whatever intention or commitment I have made for myself. They have also led to a kind of pretending like I am not quitting and underneath quitting anyway. They lead to lots of excuses to not move my body and lots of sneaking of food and of little, at first, breaking of my agreements with myself. These little sneakings and breaking of agreements eventually lead me back to a complete acceptance of the identity of me with my old self destructive habits. In fact these self destructive habits actually start to be justified again into righteous truths. Yuck!
I was in couples therapy last night with my incredible wife and partner Karen and my awesome therapist Kaylin and I was talking about my healthy need to go into “cave time”. This is a place of doing nothing to speak of that is away from the stimuli of my life, mainly talking and processing with Karen and anyone else for that matter. I just want to go downstairs and watch tv or play video games and turn off my world for a bit. I am not good about claiming this space and this need. It is a place where my co-dependence shows up and I start to feel all sorts of guilt and shoulds. These guilts and shoulds lead to the inertia and hopelessness and all sorts of yuck that turns me from a spectacular being of light to a fat slug.
I realized last night, it is something I have known and not acted on, that I need to add this consciousness to my program. There will be times when I need to go to my cave and turn off the world for a bit. I don’t have to be enlightened in my cave or do good things for my program in my cave. I do have to be conscious of what I am doing and accept completely that I am doing it and know that this is a cycle and I am actually doing my best in this moment to care for myself and my body. I actually am still honoring my program and my intention is strong and pointed in the exact same direction. I can still triple walk the stairs down to the cave and be conscious of what I eat in the cave. I just don’t have to feel good about it.
On another note entirely I am getting clearer that I need to put back into my life in earnest my morning ritual. I have been fairly consistent with my blogging and I have not been consistent with my meditation and walking. I intend to add these two things back into my morning practice. I also know that I am primarily going to be adding in consciousness and truth telling about them back in. So that I can hold myself accountable to my program and this blog. So I am signing off to go and meditate and take a short walk.