On Inspiration and Hawaiian Shirts

Hawaiian shirts     
There is all sorts of stuff to learn from a Hawaiian shirt.

Hawaiian shirts
There is all sorts of stuff to learn from a Hawaiian shirt.

This morning I wake up in a jumble of states and feelings. I feel the day after blues, mixed with a sadness and a “fat day” on the one side. I feel somehow smaller in the grand scale of things then I did 2 days ago. I feel the vestiges of my core taproot belief of “I am not enough” that is wanting to show itself again. I am feeling a somberness and like I am on the edge of crying but know I won’t. All of this is mixed with an incredible jubilation of turning a corner in history, a sense of being aligned and on the same path as the rest of the world. I feel like I am not one of the voices out in the wilderness crying for something, but instead a voice singing in a choir looking in the same direction. So this mixed up bunch of feelings is swirling around in me the day after the inauguration of Barack Obama.

To top all of that off I was invited to a celebratory bash for the inauguration at a local pub. It was a Hawaiian bash, where you put on a Hawaiian shirt and go hang out with your neighbors and celebrate and watch it all over again on the big screen and applaud. So I go into my closet because I am excited about the thought that my body has changed enough, thanks to this program, that I can put on some of my old Hawaiian shirts and they would fit comfortably rather then tightly or not at all. I had been so proud of myself with the 1/3 consciousness part and was looking in the mirror and starting to see a difference. I walked into the closet and put the first shirt on and at first I was pleased I could button it up and I was disappointed because it was still not as loose as I like them. So I tried on a couple of others and it wasn’t right yet. Which meant I hadn’t done as well as I had felt I had done.

Now in the past this is where I would have gone “screw this” and bought a pint of Hagen Daz and shut myself up in front of the TV. Fortunately I had a couples therapy appointment and had to stop for a bite to eat on the way. I decided to get a burrito at my favorite burrito place and I had given myself plenty of time to eat it slowly in the car while listening to a good book. I ate it slowly enjoying it and staying conscious of my level of fulness and when I got to just over half way in the burrito I was done, I grabbed a few more morsels from inside (unneeded but better then Hagen Daz) wrapped it up in the left over tin foil and threw it in the trash bin. I went into therapy and had a good session with Karen and Kaylin and headed off to the Hawaiian bash. I arrived and went in with the Hawaiian shirt that fit and had a scotch on the rocks and watched the last part of Obama’s terrific speech and applauded along with the rest of the crowd and as I stood in my little late comers corner of the room staring out at this bunch of strangers that were my neighbors, many of them who had tears in their eyes and defiance on their faces, that I was full. I didn’t need to “get to know these people any better” or to mingle around unconsciously eating and drinking, so I left and came home.

And this morning I woke up in this jumbled mood, and yet I went up to my cupola and had a good meditation with the gathering greyness of the day around me, then I went down and made a bowl of cereal, which I ate consciously and discovered that I was full half way through and threw out the rest. Here I am writing this now and I am not “feeling” any better but I do feel a kind of commitment and focus in me that is stronger then the emotional state I am in. This is big for me.

So in the midst of celebrating and feeling the dip after the celebration of this paradigm shifting event there is this little celebration going on which is not an emotional celebration or a yeehaa or even a smile, it is instead an inner celebration of strength, commitment and intention.

2 responses to “On Inspiration and Hawaiian Shirts

  1. Emma
    Henry, I started reading last night, and there is so much here that is me. It is fascinating to read your thoughts and processes and inspirational too. Got much to think about today. I am wondering what tools you use to draw yourself out of the unconscious state. I haven’t read it all yet, but I am wondering about compulsion too. And, what are you perspectives around being big? Thank you for sharing this with me…. I am with you.

    Thursday, January 22, 2009 – 01:29 AM

  2. Jody
    Henry,
    I am loving that the committment voice has grown so strong-this is indeed a celebration of who you are being and becoming! Keep up this imcredible work- you are an imspiration!

    Saturday, January 24, 2009 – 11:18 PM

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