There is a different kind of listening needed here. I am truly enjoying the slowing down and savoring and listening to my belly telling me that it has had enough and my tongue telling me that it has had sufficient taste sensations and it is about to just move into chew mode. I notice that I like the idea of going down to the kitchen to fix a meal and sit down and take a break from my day to slow down and get conscious.
With movement I notice that I am not yet having any advance pleasure or enjoyment. I don’t particularly look forward to it or desire to do it before I start. Once I start moving I notice I have one of several responses. I either really start liking it and want to keep going, which is followed by a feeling of being quite satisfied with myself when I have completed. Or I feel the commitment pushing me past my barriers and resistance, sort of that “we shall overcome” victory feeling, there is still a satisfaction after this but it is more perfunctory. The final feeling is the sweaty, out of breath, “I really should be done with this, but I have to keep going until I’m done”, feeling. There is also a feeling of satisfaction after this one, although it is more a feeling of “I made it through and lived”, survival feeling. The one thing I see in common with all three is that after it is done there is a sense of satisfaction. This is all well and fine, but it is the thing that gets me going that is the important part.
It is that same voice I talked about the other day, that voice of intention and commitment. That voice that is getting stronger and more powerful in it’s conversations with the voice of inertia in so many ways. There is a way that that voice is not getting through as much when it comes to big moving, like walking or hiking or physical activity that involves stopping what I am doing and doing something else more physical. I am noticing subtle shifts, I am sitting on the ball most of the day and stretching and moving on it constantly, I am parking further away from my destination automatically and thinking about parking even further away. I am not hesitating around household chores nearly as much as I used to. The only way I seem to be able to actually leave the house for a hike or a walk is to plan it and psyche myself up for it and then bully myself into it when I get to the point of leaving. I want to change that routine. There must be some habits, beliefs or tendrils of that nasty old taproot in there that bubble up to make it so hard. I am off to stalk and hunt down what that must be.