I started by looking back to my childhood and remembering that I was bigger and slower, physically, then the other kids. I was left behind when everyone went racing off after things and I was always caught in tag. So I had to start using my imagination and creativity to find ways to move less and accomplish more. I started to look for short cuts and learned to use my wits to convince kids to do things where I could play too. These things really worked and I was more fully engaged in the play. I think that I made a decision somewhere in there to make my mind fast and to use my body as support for that . So in a way I made my body a slave of my mind, rather then a partner, lover, or even making my mind a slave of my body. So my mind’s job was to be creative, imaginative, resourceful, agile and quick in finding ways to get as much done with as little physical effort as possible. My body’s job was to support that as much as possible to work hard to make things easy, to make it possible to do as little as possible when the tough got going.
If there isn’t a REAL reason to move, my well trained and enslaved body won’t. If there is any indecision or uncertainty in my mind my body freezes and waits for a clear command. Even with a clear command it will at first move with resistance and reluctance and then once it starts to move, more often then not, it discovers it likes it and wants to continue.
Now there has been remarkable things that have happened as a result of this early decision. I have created an amazingly creative, imaginative and quick mind. I have created a body that is amazingly sensitive in support of that fast moving mind. My entire body has become a finely tuned antenna for receiving information to support that quickness of mind. These qualities have done much to make me who I am today and have helped me create all that I have created. So I am extremely and eternally grateful for both my mind and my body for all they have done to get me to this point in my life.
I am also feeling deep grief and guilt. Grief for both the little boy who felt he had no choice but the one he made and as a result missed out on having a great partnership and relationship with his body, and grief for the body that really never got to find it’s way and grow and develop and be admired, honored or revered. The guilt I feel is for enslaving a part of myself rather then partnering with it .
What now? I know that I am opening up to listening to my body as I get more and more conscious around my eating. I am really becoming more and more aware of the subtleties of what my body wants and doesn’t want. I also am beginning to be able to notice when I have consumed something it didn’t want, I am able to catch it earlier and stop or to notice it and make sure I am listening more carefully next time. I believe there is a buried desire to move and I need to listen for that like I have tuned my consciousness around the food. I have to tune in to what is below the static of resistance and reluctance that are always turned way up, and turn up the volume of the body’s voice of desire. Most of all I need to partner with my body and break us both out of the slave/master relationship.