Restless: I start wandering around the house wanting to DO something else and yet not wanting to do anything at all. I get impatient and short with whatever it is I am doing or working on and don’t finish much of anything and I start to feel like I am wasting time, yet I don’t have a clue as to what to DO, so I tap my feet and wander often into the kitchen. In the past I would definitely graze through the refrigerator or mix a drink at this point and end up in front of the TV, unhappy with any choice that there is to watch, so I would flip around the possibilities. At least I had the consciousness last night to not graze through the refrigerator. But, boy oh boy, was it tempting me, even my belly was screaming out in a false hunger.
Bored: This is similar to restless in the physicality. The difference is there is a sigh that goes along with it and a fedupdness with whatever it is that I am meant to be doing. A sense of no place to go and nothing to do that matters. A feeling of things circling and recycling around inside of me that are truly unimportant and self indulgent and I don’t even care about much less anyone else in the world, so ho hum.
Scared: Even as I look at this one I am getting a bit queazy in my stomach. I don’t get scared often and when I do I start to get scared about a bunch of things. In the last couple of days I have gotten scared about this journaling this all out in front of many people in my world in this blog. It is sort of like taking a whole mix of people in my life into therapy with me and opening it all up for all to see. I think I get the most frightened around the accountability of it all, the expectations I am setting up for myself and my world. Knowing I will walk into a room in the next weeks, months or perhaps years and run into people I love who have been reading this blog and I won’t have changed all that much physically and feeling the failure and disappointment in it. I think most of all though I am scared of letting myself down and letting my body down.
Rebellious: After writing about scared I am clear on where much of my rebelliousness comes from. It is the “screw you” that is born in fear. The rebelliousness is mostly directed at me and it is standing up and saying “Who says I have to” and “Enough already with this ‘consciousness’ crap, let me just live my life”. This voice wants to be free from promises, responsibilities and any possibility of failure. Because if you make no promises, set no intentions or commitments, or take no responsibility you can’t fail yourself or anyone else. And according to the Rebel, that will set you free. Freedom is what he thinks he craves and yet when he is free from all that, the restlessness and boredom come back in and the fear never seems to leave.
Of course these states all have their life giving and motivating sides and much to learn from them. I think Restlessness is perhaps what I was talking about the other day. I think it may be one of the ways my body is communicating to me that it wants to move. I think when I feel that restlessness if I headed out for a walk or a hike the restlessness would be sated. I think boredom is telling me that I need to energize my mind with something new, not forever just in this moment. I need to pick up a book or write something or look for something on the hike that restlessness is encouraging me to take. Over and over I have seen how stepping through fear energizes us humans. The more I sit behind the fear the more frightening it becomes. When I feel that fear it is a cue for me to move towards it and find a way to step through it and when I do I know there will be more energy and life on the other side. Finally the rebel has been one of my greatest creative allies. His desire for freedom and finding his own way has led to my greatest realizations about myself and others. His fiesty questioning of authority has made it possible for me to develop a creative mind.
Once again I have worked my way through to a place of excitement and possibility from a place of, well not that, and I am ready to get into this day with intention. Thank you to myself and to anybody reading this for our patience and willingness to trudge through the muck on the way to a bit of clarity and refocus.