It’s all about Me

On the river in Dubai That’s me, big man big smile.

On the river in Dubai
That’s me, big man big smile.

I’m entering an interesting phase of resistance to all this that I am doing. It sort of goes like this; I’ve created this monster (called this blog) that I have to feed and this monster’s tastes are getting more and more sophisticated. As it’s tastes get more sophisticated I get more and more worried about making sure I feed it just the right thing that will keep it happy. I start to get to a point where I just don’t want to feed it anymore because I know I’ll just come up short, I won’t make it rich enough or juicy enough or delicious enough to please. (Wow is that ever that old tap root rearing it’s ugly head)

So here I am supposedly writing this blog selfishly for me and putting out there to my friends, family and colleagues to read for accountability reasons. I get some wonderful and inspiring comments from people who love me and are inspired by what I am doing and something inside me , some tentacle of a taproot, starts to twist and turn inside me and I begin to think that I have something now to produce. I begin to believe that I have people counting on me to be inspiring and vulnerable. At first it feels good, I feel like I am being seen and valued and honored for the journey that I am on (which is completely true I am being all those things by people who love me) and then something starts to shift and I start thinking I have to perform for them in some way. I have to get more inspiring and more brilliant and go deeper for them now and not for me anymore. This is complete and total bullshit. This is something that has come up and grabbed me from deep inside that is yet another manifestation of that decision I made years ago that separated my mind from my body and both of us from the rest of the world. And then we/I made pleasing the rest of the world more important then caring for mySelf.

Well it ain’t gonna happen world. Not this time. In this place I am all there is. It is nice to have all of you wonderful visitors leaving comments, it truly is, and I don’t want to turn this back into a journal that is just for me because I need to face this particular demon in myself if I am going to keep getting more and more conscious as I integrate all these seemingly isolated parts of mySelf. So keep reading and keep commenting and I will keep reminding myself that I am not doing it for you. I am being completely selfish here and sometimes I am going to write nonsense and boring stuff that might only make sense to me and that is just jim dandy because here and now IT IS ALL ABOUT ME AND COMPLETELY FOR ME!

(Wow there is a part of me that feels really nervous and guilty writing the above in CAPS no less. Oh well screw it.)

Yesterday, Super Bowl Sunday (which I couldn’t care less about), I had a Nutrition Shake for breakfast with some frozen fruit in it. I am not sure about this as food. I know it is good for my body in terms of nutrition, it tastes good, however there isn’t much satisfaction feelings in my body, no noticing of whether or not I actually have filled myself with anything. Truth is it is difficult to sit down and be conscious when drinking a shake. It feels more like something I can take up to the computer and snarf down unconsciously. Sometimes I just don’t feel like fixing or eating anything for breakfast and yet I know that it is a good thing to give myself something to get all the systems going and to load up on all kinds of good nutrition as well. This is one of those places where I can’t tell what is talking louder to me my brain or my body and who is saying what. So I think the thing to do is to really experiment and do some more shakes and really deeply listen and pay attention to what is happening during eating and for the next couple of hours.

Then after a rice cake with peanut butter lunch, Karen and I went and did some errands and shopping, what a great day to hit the malls when everybody else is watching the Super Bowl. Then we went to the movies, which was like a ghost town, and saw “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” had 3/4 small bag of popcorn and a diet coke. After the 3 hour movie we went and had split an entree at an Indian restaurant. It was a satisfying and conscious food day for the most part.

4 responses to “It’s all about Me

  1. Emma
    Henry… I Love You… I love seeing the way we all try to sabotage our own efforts, in very sneaky ways. And just how we have to ‘cut the crap’ and I imagine you giving me one of your ‘that’s bullshit’ looks and giving it to yourself. Your transparency is giving us something great, whether it is inspired wisdom or not… AND its not for us… yet everything has an impact. Thank you.
    Monday, February 2, 2009 – 01:37 PM

  2. Gail
    Hey Henry;

    You know, I totally hear you and see you — and I love you for giving me the privilege, intended/desired or not. I get that you are doing all of this for you, which is as it “should” be — and yet, I feel compelled to share that your experience inspires me, and invites me to remember that we are all human with shared experiences and human foibles. For me to hear your candour, feel your successes and your failures alike is so grounding. Keep on doing it all for you — ultimately, your “selfishness” serves 🙂 How awesome is that!
    Tuesday, February 3, 2009 – 08:19 AM

  3. Ute
    Hi Henry,
    you are just great, you know that? Staying focussed on your program with all of its ups and downs is so awesome – and models a way for me to stay focussed on some way smaller things. Even if you think you are selfish you are sharing a great gift – that of accepting boredom or uneasiness about “not delivering” or not writing “absolutely brilliant things” as part of the journey, but not deviate from it, not getting sidetracked by the “demons”. Your “selfish” posts are inspiring and thought-provoking, so thanks for the privilege of being able to read them.
    Go, Henry, go!!!! Big hug for a man with a big heart!!!
    Tuesday, February 3, 2009 – 11:59 AM

  4. Cherie Beck
    I think I might understand something about what you are talking about, Henry. In my own life, my insides have been so twisted and turned as I did everything I could to change myself, perform for people and work very, very hard to give people what they wanted from me, not is a sacrificial way, but in a way that felt authentic. Authentic after all the twisting and turning that is! I finally reached a tension point, just last night, I would no longer tolerate. The twisting and turning on the inside, the angry wild projections and commands at others to change to the outside, when I stopped and gave an intense amount of focus to the commitment– I was going to get released from this hell I am in. I worked hard in a laser like focus, then finally, finally I saw it for what it was when it occurred to me that I didn’t have to give people what they wanted.
    OMG…I don’t have to? It’s that simple? WTF! And in that concentrated consciousness, I unhooked. What a relief it was. For forty years I could see how this has held me back. Literally, I felt such a deep sense of relief, it was two hours before I moved on! What a relief!! No anger left, no guilt left, no pressure, no pride…just clarity of being and a release of more of my authentic power.

    It’s a new day, and a new way!
    Wednesday, February 4, 2009 – 07:57 PM

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