It seems obvious, it seems like an old spiritual message and yet there is something new in it for me. I can’t move forward in my life or my dream of who I am and what I am here to do and remain oblivious to all the crap that is down in my cellar. All that stuff keeps me pinned down and unable to move. And yet I can’t become so focused on what is in the cellar that I am not present, open and conscious enough to notice when the door opens up and it is time to move out into the world again. So the interesting challenge is to be able to keep my focus in both directions at once. I need to be completely committed to getting more and more conscious of what is going on down in the cellar and to clean it up when it needs to be cleaned, while at the same time be conscious of what is outside that needs to be moved towards and be moving towards it. The pull to be in one place OR the other is so strong. I need to be able to be completely and totally in BOTH places at all times.
It is most tempting for me to be pulled outside and to forget about the inside completely, to get excited about that next thing I see outside and run for it and return to my defaults of separation and abuse of my body, of unconsciousness around what I eat and how I move, to put those things on automatic and go out fast and hard into what’s next. I am becoming so clear that all of that is just not going to work anymore for me. I absolutely can not get to where I want to go next if I return to those patterns. I need to keep looking in first.
So I woke up this morning and my mind was racing outside and basically said there is no time to do what I have committed to doing, no time to meditate or journal in my blog or check into my Black Lodge homework. I need to figure a way to get my Think Tank going and get to work on my book and the team that I need to put together for what I have in mind to do next. I need to read some books that I have been wanting to read for awhile and create another blog for collaboration with others over new ideas. etc. etc. etc. Up I went to the computer with my cup of tea and started doing some research and my emails and jumping into my day. I did manage to slow down long enough to consciously eat half a bowl of cereal and most of an orange down in the kitchen. Then I came up and started going at it again, and then my lovely partner and wife called me up and said that she had gone online and noticed that I hadn’t blogged yet and after I gave her great sounding excuses as to why I hadn’t and hung up the phone I took a breath and said a big “NO you can’t do that to yourSelf, you are here in this new and exciting place BECAUSE you are selfishly doing your thing and if you stop doing that the new stuff will whither and die on the vine.” So I started writing this entry and after I am done I will go up and meditate.
Intention is NOT a one way street. It is not about only looking forward, I am realizing that I can only go as far forward with intention as I am conscious and aware of what is in the cellar and I am able to clean it up.