I have just exposed another challenge to meet and an old habit to expose, hunt down and replace. Somewhere I have it wired that excitement and enthusiasm trumps commitment. If I am full of life and anticipation for an upcoming experience somehow I have it wired that I can’t dull it with “any boring old familiar story”. The experience is what it is all about and new experience is more important then old or familiar experience. This of course is complete hogwash and is doomed to defeat any commitment or intention that I might set for myself. As the intention or commitment turns “old” the new thing will wipe it away as unimportant. I truly don’t like that I have exposed this in myself, it stinks of waste and disrespect. As I sit here in this city so full of history and respect for the old ways and established forms it feels like a completely slovenly and bratish way to be. It reminds me of this portrait I saw in the Rijksmuseum by Rembrandt of a petulant spoiled brat who was fat and filled with disdain. I am sure he smiles when there is some new delicacy or present in front of him and is filled with contempt with the old and familiar. When I look at his portrait I don’t like him at all and yet that is the same kind of attitude that is behind me completely disregarding my intention and commitment for an omelette, for god’s sake.
This is the opposite feeling to what happened last night for dinner. We went to this delightful restaurant called Terra, an Italian restaurant with great food and wine and served in courses that were small and manageable. When I left the restaurant I was aware of being conscious and taking my time and having great conversation and savoring delicious food and having had just enough to eat and drink. It was a delightful experience and a time to honor my intention and my program all at the same time. I didn’t leave much on the plate because the chef had restrained for me and put the perfect amount on the plate in the first place. However I was aware that I was conscious while eating the meal and if I was approaching a state of fullness or going past the point of moderation I could have stopped. This is the way I want to be and am practicing being. So what happened this morning is more of a mystery to me, making me wonder what old habit I have exposed and need to excavate. I will put some contemplation time and some stalking time into that question.