I went to bed with a bit of a stuffed belly last night and realized that in the midst of all my spirals, treks and magic wands I had gone unconscious with my eating. Not like a binge or an out of control unconscious, not an acting out or emotional-comfort-food type of unconscious. More like a switch got thrown somewhere in my system that just forgot to pay attention. It’s the biggest challenge that I face in this program of moderation 1/3 2/3s, it’s the dragon I wrote about in an earlier post and my greatest fear as I step into integrating all parts of mySelf, that I will be cruising along and into realizing incredible things about mySelf and what I am up to in the world, I will find mySelf pointed powerfully in some direction or another, and mind you these are good directions, these are transformative and world changing directions, and I will totally forget what I am committed to for mySelf within mySelf.In fact I have to laugh, because even as I was writing the above paragraph I had a room service cart beside my desk and I was eating my bowl of cereal and fruit while I was typing this. That is the kind of slipperiness there is in this puppy. Once that switch gets thrown it’s like I never knew it, like it’s gone from my being in some way and never was there and I am just coasting unconsciously along multi tasking and shoveling food in my mouth and not paying attention to anything fully. My mind is usually 2 turns down the road instead of being right here and right now.
So after I wrote that first paragraph I stopped and pulled the cart away from the desk and took a deep breath of gratitude and ate some of my fruit and cereal and drank my grapefruit juice and listened into my belly for when it was feeling satisfied. I put the remaining cereal and fruit under the cover and moved the cart over to the door and sat back down here at the computer to put my full attention here. The truth is it didn’t take that much longer and I didn’t spill anything on myself or the computer so I saved myself the extra time that it would usually take to clean up. I think of the last 4 or 5 meals I have eaten, all of them in very different circumstances and all of them eaten with less then 50% consciousness, some of them I don’t even remember I was so unconscious. How did that happen? When and where and why did that happen? I am on a $^@$&^ QUEST here! I am supposed to be conscious of when I go UNconscious while it’s happening and be able to adjust. Even if I do slip into a steep downward spiral and I am aware of that, there is no reason that I can’t also stay aware of what I have promised mySelf to stay aware of NO MATTER WHAT. So I get to Dubai and I face the buffets and the challenges and I stay conscious and I think that I have faced the challenges that I knew were coming and I relax and feel good about transitioning well and then I wake up 3 or 4 days later wondering what the heck happened. The buffets aren’t the challenge, the socializing isn’t the challenge, the cocktails aren’t the challenge, moderation and restraint aren’t even the challenges. Those are all things I can see, touch, taste and plan for. This challenge is to become conscious of the point where I am about to flip the switch and go into UNconsciousness. I have to somehow catch myself about to flip that switch because once it is flipped it is too late, I am asleep. The other side of it is I need to discover I am asleep sooner. That is happening. I need to be more awake to when I am asleep. MMMM this is a juicy meal to chew on.