My Emotions Really Wanted This My Consciousness was Put in the Basement
Yesterday was a tough one in regards to staying conscious around food. It was one of those “Balls to the Wall” days, where there doesn’t seem to be enough time and I am jamming to fit it all in and meals get shortened and shoveled in and conversations at meals are intense and consuming and emotions create the old habitual need for stuffing of face. It is a big and fast day in the program anyway and we had a couple of additional surprises thrown in, (doesn’t that always happen?) like a reporter wanting to come and interview Karen and me and see some “action” of the workshop. This is totally against our rules of confidentiality and held container of safety for our participants, yet it was really important for our Israeli partners and the wonderful woman who translated our book into Hebrew, Nati. So we created a safe and contained way to hold confidentiality and provide a real experience for the reporter to witness and the photographer to take pictures of that was genuinely part of the workshop and yet something that anyone who wished to step out of the limelight could. Then Karen and I sat for an interview, which was actually quite delightful, then we had 15 minutes to shovel lunch in before the afternoon session. Shoveling is the right word for it. I tasted some of it, 20% maybe, and the rest I ate for pure energy restoration so I have no idea if I ate too much or just right or what my belly’s state was when all was finished as I walked quickly back to the event room to begin the afternoon. Turtle medicine, phew forgedaboutit. Karen and I got the afternoon set up and started doing this incredible exercise that involves telling stories and shifting the impact that you are having with the story, and while the exercise was happening, preparing for the next piece of work. The time was crunched, because of the reporter situation and Karen and I were in a big disagreement about what we were going to do next. In ten minute chunks, as the exercise was unfolding, we managed to have an argument and come to alignment and set up the next piece, pretty brilliantly if I may say so. And after it was all over and the group was headed off to dinner my emotional child said “I have to have sweet creamy thing that is in the other room!!!” Karen followed me in and supportively said “Henry are you being conscious?” and I looked at the creamy thing with strawberries on the top and broke it in half and looked at her and ate the half and said “Yep I just ate 1/3 of that sweet thing.” I didn’t really taste it and there wasn’t a bit of consciousness around it to tell the truth and it was completely and totally my emotions eating that sweet thing. Finally I went up to dinner and sat down at a beautifully set table with smiling people all around and a beautiful woman named Tara from England sitting next to me and got into a deep and lovely conversation over dinner. I am aware that I practiced some restraint with portions of what I put on the plate and I remember very little of the meal itself and of being conscious while eating it and I remember being very focused on Tara and her story and not at all focused on me and what I was up to. Now in retrospect I realize that it was the old me relating to Tara. There was no openness or vulnerability or slowness coming from me it was all of that outward focused energy that is habit for me and allows me to be semi conscious while hiding away in some small part of myself. This was a day that was a reminder of all of the old habits that I have used my whole life that take me out of consciousness and away from integration of mySelf. I suppose there is value in that happening occasionally so that I can snap back to attention.