Life provides such perfection of wholeness. Yesterday, here in this blog I re-alligned with my intention, my commitment, my dedication. Something in mySelf knew that I needed to do that yesterday morning, something in mySelf knew I needed to go into the cave yesterday, that I needed to shut down some and turn off the rules and act out a bit. Something knew that some part of the whole of me needed to come out and feel fat and judgmental of my body. Something knew that after all my travel and then coming home and heading off three days later to step back into a CTI coaching course classroom after being gone for years, was going to need to crash. The adrenalin that had kept up my stamina was going to need some time and space to flow out. Many times in my past it was during those times of crashing after the big race that all of my old habits would pour in and I would settle into that semi conscious place, that stupor, that place of separation and begin to abuse some part of me all over again, particularly my body.
Yesterday, however, I sat down here and Something inside of me, that Self in mySelf, said “Yep your gonna crash, and remember who you are, remember where your headed, remember it’s all headed somewhere that is powerful and profound. Your heart is pure and your intention is clear and clean. So go and crash for a day or two. Because you are headed for some more awakening no matter where you go my friend.”
So after that I crashed. I grazed the refrigerator most of the day, (happily there wasn’t much that was damaging in there) I had a few drinks and started watching TV after I hung out in the LazyBoy reading back issues of magazines and occasionally going up to my computer to make a stab at email or stare at my computer. I didn’t go for that swim that I had planned and I sat and listened to the rest of the book I was reading for book club. When I went back to the computer I would click on my blog and see all these beautiful comments coming back to me about my inspiring Self, that one that truthfully and authentically re-alligned with all that I am heading for, and I would remember while at the same time feel like a total and complete fraud, the impact of the abusive crash that I was in. Last night Karen called me and while I was talking to her I made a bowl of Mac and Cheese, (the ultimate crash comfort food that has no real nutritional value, even if it is organic.) and ate it while talking to her and while she unfolded her day, a tough one, I could feel both parts of me the crashing part mindlessly eating the mac and cheese and the re-alligned Self that was listening to Karen and to the crashing part of me and remembering who I am. My beautiful Karen also was remembering who I am and at first was sad that I was acting out the crashing and not the blog declaration of that morning and then seeing all of me again and loving and appreciating all of me again. So I shuffled off to bed feeling very much like a bear heading to his hibernation cave.
I woke up this morning feeling mySelf again and returned to those tracks that I spoke of yesterday. There may be some bouncing around today, but somehow I doubt it. I feel called to do a meditation after I am done here and then after a meeting I have to go into town for a swim. I am feeling connected to the work I did with the incredible group of folks that I worked with in the In The Bones course over the weekend and I am feeling called forward to the diamonds of consciousness I will meet next week in the Retreat 1 of Leadership. The drums are beating on my stereo to the rhythm of things moving forward again in a dance of life. Ho