Slippage II

I

I

What’s happening to me?
II

II

I feel the slippage upon me again. I feel the sinking back to old habits calling out my name. I feel the desire to waste my time playing silly computer games and eating unconsciously in front of the TV, devouring buckets of ice cream and staying far away from any practice that is “good” for me. I didn’t write in my journal/blog yesterday and wasn’t going to again today as I contemplated wasting as much time as I could until the last minute before I head up to lead an R1 of a new Leadership Program.

In the smart part of mySelf I know all sorts of contributing factors. I know that I am at the end of a dip in between to active periods of work and travel. I know that what I used to fill those dips with are all sorts of Self numbing activities. I also know that I have an R1 coming up and it is the first R1 I have done while living in this intention of consciousness, and to tell you the truth it is yet another big old dragon to slay. In the past R1’s, which are the most wall to wall of all the retreats, would be the defeater of any plan or program I put into place. The thought of doing anything to care for mySelf while doing an R1 was always good and the execution was always flawed to the point of failure. I carry a past record of letting R1 defeat me on every practice, plan or program I ever tried to put in place. It became the excuse, the out clause, I gave mySelf for any program, “I agree to do this practice or commit to this program, except when I am in Leadership (especially R1)” was the way most of my agreements with mySelf went. So R1 still has the fire and teeth of a dragon that waits for me behind the entrance to the cave.

The good news is I have slain most of the other dragons that I had convinced myself that would be the defeaters of my plan. I have maintained a consciously held intention around integration through R3, R4 and a 4 week travel trip to the far side of the world. So I come to this cave with a bit more confidence in my step and still I am frightened of this dragon. I have added other interesting things to be distracted by as I approach this dragon. I will have the co-author of the book that I am going to write on Leadership in this program, along with holding the training of a wonderful guy who is going to help me reshape this Leadership Program and deliver it to corporations and communities. Karen is off to France for the week and so we will be more out of touch then we are used to being. So I have all sorts of excuses to muck it up.

So that is the biggest excuse I am giving mySelf for the slippage and the truth is that there is no excuse for slippage, because it is what it is. Slippage is that feeling of beginning not to care so intensely about sticking to my consciousness around the program I have committed mySelf to, so I don’t stick to it as fervently. It is that feeling of noticing that I am eating more not less cereal in the morning and still thinking I am being conscious. It is noticing that Karen is eating slower then me and realizing that I hadn’t been paying attention to my last half of my meal and just returned, in a slippage kind of way, to the habit of cleaning my plate. It is realizing that I didn’t make the extra effort to get to the pool on two days last week when I really could have. I sometimes think that the scariest thing for anything I start or commit to is that I will lose interest in it and even get bored with it and that in that boredom I will just float back to the old familiar ways of doing things.

I know that having those thoughts will actually make it so in my universe and yet there they are. I also know that I Am more powerful a creator of my universe then that one in my circle who thinks thoughts like that. I am completely aware of the need to return to mySelf, that amazing dragon slayer and world creator who is able to hold powerfully to an intention and to dream up a world where I move with deep consciousness and engagement into every moment. A world where I stand firm in my commitment and intention to the integrous integration of mySelf. A world of deep inner love and peace that reflects and sources an outer world of love and peace. A world of great compassion for ALL parts of mySelf, even the ones who get bored, lost and scared. I know that in every cell of my being I am bigger then my crap.

3 responses to “Slippage II

  1. Mantra to self when you slip:

    I love you
    I’m sorry
    Please forgive me
    thank you

    Mantra to self when you forget the mantra when you slip

    I love you
    I’m sorry
    Please forgive me
    Thank you

    Baby steps…. How about one day at a time? Or one half day at a time…

    Post it notes in the silverware drawer with “I love you” on them… In the fridge with “You are beautiful”… on the cereal box with “I am present” etc………

    she says as she chews on the stick of a weight watchers fudge bar….

    I love you, Henry.

    Helen

  2. Hello My Love:

    I love Helen’s post to you. . .a while ago you told me that this was about loving ALL of you. . . .yes. .. the slippage too. Love that as well. I do! Love all of you that is. And there is a big lot to love there honey.

    Writing to you in the Paris rain and missing you beside me.

    Love,

    Me

  3. Dear sweet Henry –

    I have to tell you how much your authenticity and vulnerability and letting it all hang have touched me, inspired me, moved me, so far, made my day this morning – as I sit in our Murad shoot for the third day – and a Sunday – feeling not really like writing (that’s what I do now for a living – write – I write and someone pays me – it’s good) – except on Sundays, when I think that I shouldn’t be working, I should have a day off, I should be up North with Annie, I should be having more fun somewhere….

    And then I read your post – which I may not have if I didn’t want to distract myself from the writing I don’t feel like doing right now – and find all the gems from you, from Helen, from Karen (HI to you in Paris!!!!) – and realize – YES – trust myself – like ALL of myself – distractions included – they get me from where I am to wherever I am next – an unfolding of the mystery mixed in with the very best –or not so best – of our intentions.

    And so I say to you, dear Henry (who I haven’t seen for several lifetimes now – but whose work forever changed/rocked my world and I carry it yes even now to the strange land they call LA – and yes, I still coach in case you’re curious) I say to you – TRUST YOURSELF – ALL OF YOURSELF – Trust the path leads you one foot in front of the other (as you know) and just trust the good, the bad and the ugly – it all turns out – it always does – trust the distractions lead – trust the slippage leads – trust the itty bitty itty bitty say yes to say no to leads – we are leading and being led – You are the shiny bit – You are lots of shiny bits – and a very loved human – a very precious human – and a dear, dear heart.

    Thank you for making my day – thank you for your vulnerability. I love you. Really.
    Many many many hugs – Iliani

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