The Judge and the Devil

It’s 6 Am and I am up, showered and sitting here at my laptop with a gaze that tells me I am somewhere between the sleep of a half hour ago and the awake I will be in another hour or so. That slightly out of focus feeling in my eyes and in my body that feels like I am not quite all here yet, that part of me is off in dreamland still. That part of me that wonders “what the heck are we doing this for exactly when we could be snuggled under the covers getting that last hour or two of sleep that you REALLY need and want.” Well that is the part that I am promising will get some great sleep and plenty of it tonight and tomorrow night and probably won’t get as much sleep on Friday or Saturday night, but that’s actually OK because Sunday and Monday and next week will be just fine. It all works out in the end if I hold the long view and besides this is an adventure in commitment, intention and slaying of dragons. So curl your toes and roll your shoulders and pull yourself more into this world as we dig down into some good deep cyonscious looking.

The good news is I did terrifically with food yesterday in terms of both moderation and restraint, and most of all I stayed conscious while in the process of meeting new people and having training and design conversations with my team. The day was a gorgeous day and we all ate outside on picnic tables and had delicious food and great conversation and through all that I stayed conscious and stopped eating the food on my plate when I was done, throwing the remainder away at lunch. At dinner I practiced excellent restraint and took just as much as I thought my body wanted and stayed conscious through the eating of it and had just a bite or two more left on my plate at the end that was more then my restrained self had put on it. So brain was working well with body. I did go inside after dinner to scrap my plate and looked over and saw the chocolate almond torte with the strawberry whipped cream however and my brain said “oh yeah” and my body said “all right go for it and let’s restrain a bit” so I took half a piece with a dollop of whipped cream. It was delicious and I ate it standing up with a bit of guilt and like I was hurrying up to go some where, rather then taking this amazing piece of sweetness and delight to a table and savoring it and the decision that I made. HereThere is this place, this judge, in me that still thinks it has power to make me guilty and bad and wrong that often disguises itself as a rational “follow the rules” kind of guy that doesn’t believe in any activity outside of the lines and then when I do go outside of the lines makes me suffer for it.

Aw come on you can just go for it
It can't hurt you just a little more.

Aw come on you can just go for it It can't hurt you just a little more.

Why he gets away from it is that there is this other devil that is also in there that is always convincing me to go outside the lines just for the sake of going outside the lines, breaking the rules I set for mySelf and who loves all the old habits that support that behavior. So here is mySelf in the middle who sometimes just wants to savor a piece of chocolate almond torte with stawberry whipped cream and on either side of this healthy choosing conscious me is this judge and this devil. Learning to distinguish the conversation and slowing down what is happening in that 3 or 4 bites of time is the next big challenge for me around food.

So here I am in the cave, fighting this old dragon of R1 impossibility and finding it very possible, of course, like duh, to slip into mySelf and find the space and the time to practice what I need to practice and to hold fast to my commitment and intention. Why oh why do I wrap myself up so tightly in that blanket of worry and fear? Probably as a way to keep mySelf alert and sharp and ready to face anything and everything. Oh well off to meditate.

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