I Will, but I don’t wanna

Please can I just stay under the covers a bit longer!

Please can I just stay under the covers a bit longer!

I really don’t want to be up and doing this writing now. My mouth is hanging open and I would have drool running out the side of it if I hadn’t already been in the shower and brushed my teeth. My eyes are dropping closed every few minutes and I itch. I am worse then cranky and it would be insulting to bear nature to say I am bear like. I HAVE WOKEN UP IN I DON’T WANNA. The only reason I am here writing is that I said I would and that I know that I am fighting a dragon of a habit here and that I didn’t write yesterday morning and if I didn’t write this morning I would have lost to the dragon. My intention is too strong to let me lose to the dragon again in my life and to start down the road of old habits and slipping into oblivion. So here I am in all my crappy glory. I have no desire to have brilliant insights here this morning. I am saving all my “brilliant insight energy for the paying customers in the Water Dragons”. Today is the big day, its the High Ropes Course day where people climb trees, face their fears, step into their power and leap into transformation. It is an amazing day and by the time I get up the hill and touch the people I will be fully present to the amazing day it is. Right now it is just a day that I want to get back under the covers and fall back asleep after I take a couple of advil.

Accountability is always a good place to start. I have been doing alright with restraint (except for the second piece of amazingly good garlic bread I snitched last night). I have been not doing a great job of moderation, I’d give myself a 6 out of 10, I am just not leaving enough on the plate. Even with restraint I would like to leave something more on the plate at the end of the meal. I was really doing well at that on the first day and a half or so and that has dissappeared as my plates have been pretty well cleaned by the end of meals. This also informs me that my consciousness level has been below a 10 as well, I would give it an 8, because I am not feeling a bit full after meals or like I have gone too far past a 3 out of 5 on the fullness scale. I have noticed the eating of the food and I also can recall that I probably lose consciousness somewhat near the end of eating, just because I am not aware of cleaning the plate and of my belly status. Something to look forward to practicing today, Although I am not particularly looking forward to anything right now except the possibility of crawling back into bed.

Movement is happening yesterday we did the path to success and that involves some walking and standing for an hour and a half or so and today is Ropes Course and I will be on my feet and walking around all day so plenty of movement will be happening. Not much movement on the plan for Sat and Sun, however I am going swimming on Monday.

I am really feeling the dedication to awaken the diamond of consciousness this morning. I am just not feeling very excited about that or anything else. So I guess there is value in just touching into the dedication or the purpose of my life even if I don’t much “care”. It is what is having my out of bed at 5:45am and what is having me writing this nonsense and what is having me wind my way up the hill and push people up trees so they can jump off and into their awakened self. From that perspective it is one of the best days there is in a series of amazing days in the life of this little light of mine.

3 responses to “I Will, but I don’t wanna

  1. Hi Henry –

    When I awoke this morning, you were on my mind. I worked with my healer guy the other day and found some interesting things. Somehow that led me to thinking of you. Let me ramble a bit…

    Had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I told someone I live on “North South East Street”. When I woke up, I thought… what about WEST? Then I thought of West as the harvest, completion, tying the loose ends, follow through. Of course I’m living on NSE St. I’m barely finishing anything! When I talked with John (healer guy) he brought in the deep emotions piece. He mentioned I’m not feeling the deeper emotions that are begging to be felt.

    Yesterday, I had an emotionally trying day. Wanted desperately to lose myself in sweets and mindless popcorn feasting. I didn’t want to finish what I was working on… and didn’t want to finish feeling what needed to be felt. The last stretch before forgiveness could be a dark one. And so… the west is calling. The dark woods. Completion. Emotion. Harvest. And ultimately, some serious forgiveness.

    None of this may be how you look at the west, but it’s what feels right to me right now.

    So, why were you on my mind? Maybe the dragon is guarding the doorway to some deeper emotion that’s waiting to be felt. Maybe the dragon dangles a crystal pendulum before your diamond eyes lulling you into a state of unconsciousness to protect you from entering. Maybe the dragon offers you plates of food and comfy chairs to rest in before you (or instead of You) entering that room.

    We’re slaying the dragons that have protected those doors from all our ancestors. We’re the ones who will walk through them. We’re the ones who will complete the cycle. We will feel what must be felt. Stay present and awake. Your Self awaits your journey…

    Grrrrrrrrr…….

    Go Diamond Bear, Go!!

    Love you,,

    Helenski

  2. Hello, Henry!

    I love this post. (Well, I really enjoy all of your posts, but this one struck me in particular.) For my more public blog, I’ve also dumped out cranky, grumpy posts. Or I’ve outed myself when I’ve made dumb, messy, oh-so-human (unconscious) “mistakes.” And it seems that those are the posts that people appreciate the most. There’s such a thirst for the news that we’re ALL human, we all slip into unconsciousness, and we can all wake up (recover), shake ourselves off, reflect, learn, and keep going, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard!

    Thank you for sharing your DISCIPLINE here, over and over again, in the face of the dragon. Sometimes my own discipline feels like slogging through mud, but your example is such a strong one. Keep going. One. Step. At. A. Time. You say, “My intention is too strong to let me lose to the dragon again in my life and to start down the road of old habits and slipping into oblivion.” Yes! There’s no going back. No way you could get very far down that road. I see that your intention has become stronger and bigger than the dragon desire to slip into oblivion, even if it sometimes feels like it’s close to being the opposite.

    So, dear Henry, all that’s to say, thank you and keep on truckin’! 🙂

    xoxo,
    Laura

    p.s. And thanks for adding my blog to your blogroll!

  3. Ah, why did I miss this post? Henry, to this day I hear your voice. Your legs are strong. Trust your body. Get out of your head. The first step is the worst. …….
    And oh the fear. GOOD isn’t it? And the bridge didn’t even move!

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