10 Steps Out and 9 Steps Back

Pay Attention

Pay Attention

It’s interesting this whole intention/commitment/consciousness thing. I am completely committed to my intention to consciously act in ways that lead to the integration of mySelf, to move to eating less and slower and more consciously, to move more and be aware of my movement being an act of love to my body. I am aware of moving forward on all of those commitments and feel them becoming a part of my life, sort of. I am also aware of a slipping and sliding backwards to old habits and ways of being that are so subtle and basic that I don’t even notice them when they are happening and sort of wake up and find mySelf a little back. I then adjust and move a little less forward, that’s good for awhile and then I find I have moved a bit back, and on it goes like that. I do feel that it is more forward then back for the most part. Yet I don’t feel that wonderful super “spidey” sense of consciousness that I had in those glorious first few months. Because I don’t feel that sense I sometimes think I am failing more then I am succeeding. When I feel more like I am failing I feel fatter. I know I am not fatter, because my clothes are the same size of bigger then they were last week but I think I am fatter because that is a habit or pattern or emotion even that I feel when I feel like I am failing at something. When I feel that sense of fatter I usually act out and start eating more with a hopeless sense of nothing will ever change. I go completely unconscious and begin to ignore and separate myself back into an underfed ego, an abused body, suppressed emotions, and a weak spirit.

Fortunately that habit isn’t happening these days. Instead what seems to be happening is this swinging of the pendulum back and forth and back and forth and stabilizing a little bit forward each set of swings. So it feels like that old song of 2 steps forward and 1 step back, only it feels more like 10 steps forward and 9 steps back, ultimately getting a step forward and yet both feeling like I am traveling a long way to get there and really liking what 10 steps forward feels like and wanting to live there and feeling sad when I find mySelf 9 steps back from there. So there is something about this whole intention thing that is dissatisfyingly loopy when I sometimes want it to be straight, clear and there already. Oh well there is indubitably more learning on the loopy path then there is on the straight and clear path and we all know that I am all about learning. I also need to remind mySelf sometimes that this is not a program that is going to be done in 6 months, a year or even 10 years, this is a program I am on for life. This is a program of intention and consciousness that will only deepen and broaden every moment of my life if I take the loopy trail. The straight super highway of my desires is fast and yet it will inevitably take me to the starting place where as the loopy road of true intention and consciousness that I am on will get me to wholeness and oneness, I am one thousand percent sure of this.

So here I am at the place where I have realized that I am 9 steps back and it is time to TRULY move forward again. It is time to recommit to 1/3 2/3’s all over again and to start from the beginning and slow things down with the food and speed things up with the movement. It is time to get back to holding mySelf accountable, with the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, here in this blog. No matter how boring I might think it might be for all of you incredible readers and commenters, it is time for me to buckle down for the ride out again. It is time for me to hit the pool, which I haven’t been to for over a week and a half (I am going tomorrow, Friday and one day on the weekend). It is time for me to start cooking delicious meals again and eat them consciously and stop at 1/3 -1/2 of the plate and throw out the rest, it is time for retraining in moderation and letting go of restraint for awhile. The thinking is now going to be I am eating 1/3 -1/2 period of what I put on the plate, and what I put on the plate will be incredibly wonderful and tasty. Finally I will be writing about these things here truthfully and not concerning mySelf with being wise or with how many people are reading. It is also time for another video entry (I’ll put that up sometime this weekend). Well thats about it, I’ll see you on the journey or 10 steps out.

5 responses to “10 Steps Out and 9 Steps Back

  1. Hurray HENRY!

    The Loopy Road is where the most interesting things live, the peaks and valleys, the side soujourns to loopy towns, the dead ends, the construction, U-turns, detours and so on. Those super highways sure do go fast and bypass all kinds of cool stuff – you miss so much when you are on them and they never seem to change, do they?

    So glad you discovered the Loopy Road! You are rich beyond compare dear friend.

    Love from a fellow Looper,


  2. And its all a matter of perspective right. As you write I get all sorts of images rising… one of a whale at the surface doing all those playful things that whales do with their tails and things and then a big deep breathe and recommit… back down they go into the unknown, the deep emotions. Another thing that came for me is the stay… how do we stay when it gets boring? isn’t it better to sabotage it and get some feeling? well thats what my saboteur does, bad attention is better than no attention…

  3. Hello Henry, WOW!…I am so amazed how you truly and deeply modelling honesty and openess – i wow you for that! One thing that strucks me (AND I don’t know if you are interested , but say it anyway…) when reading your blog is: – MOVE MOVE MOVE!!! When you do you might change perspective from thinking about food so much? Schedule exercise in your calendar and make exercise a part of your lifestyle:-)
    A Lizard on a similar path,

  4. Hi Honey:

    I think this is a fascinating post and brings up all kinds of different questions in my mind.. .questions that are really useful for me to ask myself or mySelf as you write it (I love that!).

    For instance, what IS the distinction between loopy and sloppy? When am I being fully IN the process and focused on my intention and when am I beging SORT OF in the process and sort of focused on my intention.

    Transformation happens over time. . .we’re a big stand for that and have seen it over and over as we love people towards more consiousness and watch them wind their way towards their higher selves.

    However it plays out in the day to day, energetically (and physically as well) you ARE different. You feel different and look different and BE different. So the transformation of loving yourself, ALL of you, has already occured.

    I find for myself, the best thing to focus on is what has me FEEL fantastic? How do I BE in my life in a way that brings me towards greater joy?

    I worked out this morning with Kim. .. first time in a week and a half that I’ve had a good sweaty workout. I feel FABULOUS. Now, why in the world have I gone a week and a half without letting myself have this joy. ..that’s an interesting question.

    You LOVE to swim. It makes you happy, honey. I can feel your joy at being in the water. I can’t wait until we go to Canada and you can do that every day. You were so THRILLED at the distance and stamina you are building the last time you went. I’ll bet you’ll be thrilled when you go tomorrow.

    I want to remind that in those first few months of “spidey” wonderfulness, you had absolutely NOTHING else going on. No leading, designing, traveling, meeting, etc. You’ve done such a spectacular job of incorporating these new practices in these past busy months, Henry. Truly. SPECTACULAR!

    More to go? You bet! And from over here, it looks like things are changing just a little below warp speed.

    Lastly, an instinct about the fatter thing. It’s a part of a different conversation and not really a part of one third/two thirds. Some tap root tendril or some such. I know that one. .. a familiar, well worn way to step back from loving myself. So, maybe I’m projecting and maybe something there for you too.

    I LOVE you!!!! Love, love LOVE you! I’m hugely grateful to be with you on this loopy journey . .. in all the thrilling places and in the slow, backwater ones. I can honestly say that you NEVER bore me. Ever. You can be very challenging and a monumental pain in the ass sometimes. . .honey, boring you are NOT!

  5. Henry! I love your transparency here…and I echo so much of what your beloved has written….and my Love, love, love of YOU is growing!!….. I would like to put out there….how can I/We support you in R2? You have 10 weeks to grow in to that answer…. Your leadership of your paying customers AND asking for help can live side by side….. or not….. your choice!

    I am curious what your dialogue with your Physical Self looks like? And….what Physical Self’s voice has to say in the matter?

    It truly does ALL boil down to self love, doesn’t it…..How BIG can we really love ourSelves!!????

    You are an inspiration!!

    Love, Nancy

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