The Sliiiiide

Where it Stops Nobody Knows

Where it Stops Nobody Knows

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH I am having one of those days where it feels like I am swatting at flies all around my head and saying go away, just go away. I am realizing that all those times I thought I was in the “breakdown” or the “dip” in the last week were just me sliding down the slide and hoping I had reached bottom and then making plans for being back up on top. I am quite clear that everything that I have promised mySelf is still there in neon to follow, I know that it is the good path, I know that I have chosen it and that the choice is a powerful one. I know what I need to do and for the most part I am doing it. I swam yesterday and it was great, if a little rushed and “non-turtlelike”. I won’t swim today because of my f#@$ing schedule. I will swim this weekend. I need a day off or a weekend off or a week off or a month off or something off. It is coming, which is good, but I need it TODAY. I am gritchy, bitchy, angry and snappy. Cranky and Bear like are the nice versions of the way that I am feeling this morning. I need to pull mySelf up by the bootstraps and pull it together in the next hour because I have meetings that are important and perhaps course changing for my business in these f#*ked times we are in these days. I don’t want to have these meetings, in fact I never want to have a meeting again for the rest of my life. I am in that place in me that doesn’t care and wants to be left alone, which basically means I need to take the time to recover. Right now, to this angry gritch that is in me, that recovery feels like it will never happen and let’s just eat lots of junk food, drink lots of booze and watch lots of mindless TV.

This downward slide I have been on for the last week or more is one that follows the intense time of dreaming out in the world. I was gone for a month in the middle east doing intense and wonderful work with intense and wonderful people and I was loving every minute of it and the passion and the adrenalin were flowing freely. I returned and a couple of days later I am back in an In the Bones workshop for the first time in 4 or 5 years, loving every minute of it and the passion is flowing and the adrenalin is kicking in on top of the adrenalin that was already in there and hadn’t had a chance to completely flow out. I then leap right into a Retreat 1 with a group of incredibly powerful, wonderful and intense Water Dragons, adding some more passion and adrenalin to this already flowing system. I come back from that and the next day I am doing a presentation to 60 or so CTI grads about the need for Leadership in this world with Karen and pumping in some more of that passion and adrenalin and come home that night to people already gathering to do 3 days of design work on how we will train new leaders for CTI with lots of power, passion and wonderfulness and the passion keeps building and the adrenalin keeps flowing. Meanwhile I am writing in this blog about “Crashing” “Slippage” “I Don’t Wanna” , “The Judge and the Devil”, and “You would think I would get this” . I am also writing about “Re-alignment time”, “Captains Log, Stardate Gratitude and Hope”, “Celebration and Curiosity”, and “The Windup”. It is a complete roadmap of sliding down the other side of a big win to the bottom where the climb out will happen. During the slide down there are all these courageous attempts at grabbing ahold of the walls and starting back up. There are even great successes, fed by the adrenalin and passion, that truly feel like I have moved through and recovered from the dip. As I sit here today I want to shout to the world and primarily to the world inside mySelf that “I AM STILL EITHER SLIDING DOWN OR I AM HANGING OUT IN THE BOTTOM HERE UNTIL I AM GOOD AND READY TO START BACK OUT!”

What does this mean to my commitments and intention? It means that I am absolutely still on my program, doing the best that I possibly can. In fact I am following all of the 4 agreements:

I am living my life with impeccability
I am not taking anything personally
I am making no assumptions
I am doing my best

And I am doing all these things using the medicine of Turtle and Bear. Slow and Nurturing.

I have this weekend off, completely off, yay, with Karen and our hot tub. I plan to do as much nothing as possible with the exception of getting in and out of the hot tub. I have another weekend like that next weekend and then I am off to Ashland Oregon for the week to watch the best Theatre in this country at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. So there is loads of time for recovery and adrenalin outflow over the next couple of weeks so, without making assumptions, I see a great possibility for climbing out of this dip in the next few weeks.

It has been very fun and healing for me to write this particular entry.

4 responses to “The Sliiiiide

  1. Henry

    I love this nitty gritty tale.

    The ONLY cure for this gritchy, itchy is bed and hot tub. But you won’t have to climb out of this dip. With enough slow and nurturing, you’ll be lifted effortlessly.

    Hugs and Kisses
    Mary

  2. Yay Henry – for yet again having the courage to be entirely, completely, real. Much appreciated. As I read your post I can’t help but hear the question, “what happens when you just be with the slide, and not think about climbing out?” I could say more…and I’ll leave it there.

    Big hugs to you dear Elder Henry 🙂

    Gail

  3. I’m just catching up on your Blog and realize that you wrote this on the day that we were planning on meeting had “your secretary” (ahem) not rescheduled. My mood was not much better than yours that day. Probably worse actually. A missed “creating from friction” opportunity – LOL. Oh well, I’m sure there will be more to come. Looking forward to seeing you later this week.
    Love,
    Marjoleine

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