“Henry, you’re working on something” is what Karen said to me as I sat down by the TV talking to her on the phone while she was still in the office jamming to get her work done. I think she sensed in me a kind of unconscious malaise that settles in on me sometimes when I am in the dip, a sort of lostness or resistance to life, a kind of hiding, or a lack of desire to motivate or inspire mySelf to do a thing. She and I both are quite aware of the impermanence of this state and of the alchemical changes that are occurring somewhere deep down during this state. Thus the statement “Henry, you are working on something”, if I fully embrace the paradox “something” is also working me. Alright already I know I have been in this dip, slide, crash, whatever for a while. I am even reluctant to write about it to myself much less to anyone out there that is still interested. Although I must say that I am truly not interested anymore and I am writing it because I said I would more then any other reason. I also know that writing it out helps me to take the next step or find it even. I also know that I am engaged in a powerful spiritual development practice in the Black Lodge Training and I have reached a kind of wall in that training as well and I am “supposed” to have the tools to get me beyond these walls. The only problem is I am so not interested in doing anything that feels remotely “good” for myself.
So what is it I am “working” on or what is it that is “working” me? I feel it shaking around in my gut and in my solar plexus or power center. It feels like it is swirling between the fear/survival place and the power place. It feels as though it is something big and I am terrified of it. It feels like I am an understudy in a broadway musical and I have been an understudy for years and the actor in the role I am understudying just got hit by a bus, it’s my job to leap out there on the stage and take over, only I can’t remember a single line, note, song, or movement. So there I am in the wings with this swirl in my gut between the power of knowing it is time to step onto the stage and the fear that I will not be able to. What that stage is I am not sure of, I am sure that the leap is a big one and I am sure that I will never be sure of having the lines down. I am also sure that I will leap. I know that it is in my nature to leap. I know that given the opportunity to leap, leaping will happen and in my past there have been stumbles, tumbles, foots in mouths, and arses being shown, and there have also been wild successes, recognition and transformations galore. I also know that the second list always trumps the first list. This much growing and realizing of mySelf I have done in this short journey of a life. So Karen is right, I am “working” on something and something is “working” me. The urges are rising and moving towards each other and leaping is somewhere in my future.