I have been off line for a couple of days, since I got back from Ashland. I came down with a cold and my schedule got all knocked off re sleep and everything. That is my surface excuse to myself with a small s. I know that there were other reasons as well because I felt myself acting out and not very well connected to mySelf, My I Am. I was hiding from the stalking I was promising mySelf I would do in “the Briar Patch”, I think, and all that goes along with that kind of consciousness. It meant I had to look towards healing mySelf and meditate and put mySelf back into my practices and I was resisting that and looking for excuses, so why not get a little sick, just sick enough to not sleep well and have a cough and a headache, but not too sick to make phone calls, have some meetings, and do some other work. Just sick enough to go a little unconscious for awhile. Well that is just a load of hooey, it seems to me. So somewhere in the middle of the day yesterday I began to pull mySelf back together and build up my connection with that powerful sense of I Am and return to my program. I stopped grazing the fridge for little bits here and there and made a delicious meal for dinner and sat down and ate about half of it and went to bed at a reasonable hour and slept a bit better then the previous two nights, woke up this morning and I am sitting here at Starbucks having a chai and typing this up in my blog and preparing to look a little bit at that briar patch.
The thorns start to show up when I combine co-dependency in the form of taking responsibility for another’s mood or emotion and then start to try to change it with some sort of rational approach that co-dependently makes it much worse and then the thorns get thicker and stickier. Now, why do I do that? Well I think at some core level i (notice the small i here) get terrified that IN THAT MOMENT i am either not being loved, being abandoned, protecting myself from being hurt, thinking i will be hurt, knowing i am not enough to make it better, and underneath all of that i know i am wrong to some profound degree. To prove i am NOT wrong (which of course is impossible) i must be right as much as possible and dig my heals in to prove that and in the process i separate myself with all of those other horrible things that i was so frightened of in the first place. So there is a second taproot here that I am discovering that is different then “I am Not Enough” and that is “I Am Wrong” and all of the tendrils and compensations that come from that one are leading me to a whole new story to uncover. This “I Am Wrong” now needs to be tracked back to its beginning and then a ceremony to bury it and free mySelf of its weight.