Foggy Horizons

I'm not sure the picture captures it fully, but look to see if you can see that mysterious horizon that lives between two clear places.

Hello world of me! It’s a new day and, after my shower and a brief tour through cleaning up the kitchen and grabbing a cup of tea, here I am at my desk with some glorious music on and a summer’s day unfolding out of my window as I watch a beautiful sunny sky and a rolling blue ocean meet at a foggy and unclear horizon. A horizon where there is no defined line, yet here is the sky well defined in it’s blue with a bright yellow sun in it and here is the ocean with it’s waves clearly defined in their greenish/greyish/blueishness with clear white caps on top of their unfolding. With all of that clarity and definition, you would think that where they met would also be clear and well defined and it isn’t, it is soft, murky, unclear, mysterious, uncertain, very difficult to find the boundaries. Hmmmm this certainly must be a metaphor for something happening not only in my life but in so many situations and circumstances out there. How easy it is for me to be so clear on my point of view and even who I am and what I am up to or what it is I am defending. How easy it is to see how clear the other person is in their viewpoint and how clear they actually are in their viewpoint, their stand, how they feel, and what they want, either from the situation or from me. Then to look at where those two clear viewpoints meet, where the feelings collide, where the people who are clear in their own worlds come together and all of a sudden it gets very confused and murky, foggy, with unclear boundaries. This happens to me not unfrequently (gotta love that double negative). I notice I can listen, be curious, attempt to be unattached to my own clarity, and when I do these things I often become more clear about, understand better, what it is they are representing and I also notice that the fog doesn’t necessarily get any clearer, it is still foggy at the junction. I wonder here in my contemplation if a foggy junction isn’t actually a good thing. It doesn’t seem to force agreement or disagreement. It seems to enjoy keeping the joining of the differing points ambivalent and hard pin down, therefor keeping the conversation open more and almost forcing it to dig deeper into the clarity and the certainty that is on either side of the fog as the conversation looks for that clear line. Now I have to ask mySelf the question “Who do I have to be to be able to live with that ambivalence on the edges of my clarity?” “How do I sit in a sea of clarity with a powerful stake, and bump up against someone sitting in a sky of clarity with a powerful stake and see the murkyness and the foggyness of the place where our two universes meet and stay certain and curious at the same time?” “How do I Believe and have Faith and Trust in my Beliefs and yet still be ‘creative’ and ‘interested’ and ‘willing to shift and change’ the very things that challenge and seem to either tear down or replace those beliefs with the beliefs that live in the other place of clarity?” “How do I grow if I am not willing to constantly look at those ‘unshakable beliefs’ and shake them up a bit and evolve them, and yet if I ‘shake them up and evolve them’ to an unrecognizable place what is left of me?”

So just a couple of light questions brought up in me as I look at the horizon and see mystery.

There is a lie that I am living right now, today, this month and probably all summer. That lie is that I am engaged in my 1/3 2/3s Moderation Program at all. Sure I have developed more consciousness around eating and moving, and sure I eat less and move more. However my commitments to mySelf around this and the value I found in practicing restraint, moderation, and moving 2/3s more was immense. I am beginning to feel some shame and guilt building in myself at how I have been lying to mySelf about this. And when I start to feel guilt and shame, I have typically started going into all sorts of denial and justification. And behind the justification comes the lack of inertia and excuses for not doing it. And behind all the excuses comes the lack of any desire and ultimately numbness, depression, and a return to unconsciousness and abuse in the name of self care and nurturing.

So 🙂 I would like to not fall into that cycle again 😉 please. The first step is to cop to the lie, check, the second step is to recommit to the program. In order to do that I need to see if it is something I want to recommit to or not. The answer is an unequivocal YES. This program works for me in so many ways that have nothing and everything to do with the size, shape, health and relationship of my body. So I commit to this program and to loving my body and integrating fully my body, mind, spirit, and emotions into mySelf. Finally it is time to Act and to report on my actions here as close to daily as possible, and that report will be clean, clear, unfiltered true facts of what and how much I have been eating and what and how much I have been moving. I will put that at the end of posts so those folks out there who are reading don’t have to read through that to get to some of the other stuff that I am going to allow mySelf to talk about as I look out at the ocean. I’M BACK AGAIN 🙂 🙂