After I wrote my last entry on Friday I had a great visit with a friend and went in to get my basket from Laguna Farm and fill it out with some groceries from Whole Foods, parking across the lot at both places, and bought some fun stuff to make a great pot of beans with hambone, using a hambone left over from last weeks ham. I got some great tomatoes and other veggies to make some great salads and some sauteed greens. All this is great and healthy stuff and right in line with my commitments and my 1/3 2/3s program.
I also bought a pint of Ben and Jerrys Karmel Sutra, fully knowing that this would not be done with moderation and restraint. After getting my beans on the stove to simmer for a couple of hours I went up and suffered some with my computer and some internet hassles, that just kept growing through the evening. I went downstairs with my beans and rice and tried to watch some TV. (some of my regular readers will already recognize the habit of eating in front of TV that does not generally support increased consciousness, and note that “committing to get back on my program” would mean eating more consciously and NOT eating in front of screens.) The TV was a big part of the problems I was having with my computer and internet challenges and I proceeded to get more and more frustrated on top of a steady rise in frustration that I had been developing all week with this issue. So I have all the pieces in place to seriously go UNconscious, Emotions running high, Old Habits running strong, A pint of Ben and Jerrys in the freezer. Oh and one last thing, and this is a tricky one, I had just made a very large declaration of commitment to mySelf and to the World here in the blog. There is one in my circle who loves to rebel and raise a middle finger high in the sky whenever I do that. So there was no debate really, in fact the debate was gone when I pulled the pint out of the freezer at Whole Foods. That pint was going to be consumed and it wasn’t going to be just a restrained spoon of it, ate with moderation, NO it was going to be the whole pint. So I finally got something I could watch on the telly and had my pint beside me and Karen calls. Karen has been having a rough time at work these past couple of weeks and I really want to support her and be there for her, she also reads this blog daily and knows what is up with me and she had called earlier so proud of me and my re-commitment. So I talked with her and listened and was really present and supportive and all the time I am watching my Ben and Jerry’s melt right next to me, cause I’ll be damned if I am going to talk about my jones that has overtaken me. About 15 or 20 minutes into the call I start being a bit distant and disconnected from her and she asks me about it and I weasel around abit and tell her she is probably tired and needs to get some rest before her big day the next day. We say a warm and loving good bye and I grab my melting Karmel Sutra and hoover it. I actually remember tasting 2 or 3 spoonfuls of it, the rest was just cool, creamy and sweet, and most of all illicit.
So whasup wi dat? The behavior is familiar and consistent with old habits and behaviors that were my downfall on previous diets and commitments. The difference is, hopefully, now. It is having the compassion to look and understand and to tell the truth about it to mySelf and to whomever else is interested. The difference is watching myself be secretive and sneaky and all the other stuff that goes along with this that lets it mutate into something that takes me over from the darkness. The difference is the patient and grownup part of mySelf that kindly shakes his head with a smile and sits down and invites that other part of me to take a seat on his lap and tell him what’s going on. That part of me that listens without judgment and guides without arrogance or righteousness. That part of me has all the room in the world for failures and mistakes as long as I am ultimately moving in a life affirming direction. That part of me forgives me and points me at the same time. So I don’t go to the store and have a ‘right-wrong’ debate the next time I am wanting some ice cream, I don’t have to pretend I am not getting it and then start to jones on it all afternoon and evening until I get it, I don’t have to be wrong for wanting it or even eating it. At the same time I am pointed to my program and to restraint and moderation as ways to have the taste of what I might be desiring. At the same time I am pointed to stalking the beliefs, habits and emotions that are coming up from the darkness of the basement and clean them out. At the same time I am being encouraged with every breath to know that I am committed and dedicated to consciously integrating mySelf. I like this guy.