Where have I been? What has been going on with me? Why am I not here, writing, regardless of what’s happening, regardless of circumstances? Why am I silent, when I have allowed mySelf to reveal itself in it’s fullest and most exposed way to the world through this blog? Am I fading away from my commitments and intention? Am I disconnected from my higher self and all of my work at deepening my awareness and expanding my consciousness? How the heck am I anyway?
Oh boy. As some of you faithful readers are probably aware over the last few months, since the middle east trip in the spring really, I have been dipping downwards with brief moments of bobbing up to higher ground. I have been feeling the weight of fear, anger and pain building in me as the economy has taken it’s freefall and things have been looking pretty dire for me and my world. I have had to put on a happy face while the fear and anxiety has been building underneath. I have struggled more and more to find that powerful voice in mySelf that knows that I am the creator of my Universe. I have been listening to the fearful, doubting and skeptical voice that leads to the hopeless and despairing voice, yet desperately seeking mySelf, that integrated Self of spirit, mind, body and emotions.
As all this has been smoldering under the surface, I have been supporting Karen and all the people around me to keep looking forward to what will be created on the other side of this hump. I have been playing loose and easy with the attitudes and fears around me, doing my best to ameliorate and abate them, or better yet transform them into powerful interpretations. I had given myself the role of “Attitude Adjuster” and “Keeper of the Faith” as things went haywire. I have done a pretty good job at that role and have been acknowledged for it by Karen and others and I know that it wasn’t a “bad” role, and that it was a necessary one. The only problem was that all the crap that was smoldering down in my basement wasn’t getting looked at by me or anyone else. It just sat down there and mutated and rotted and got more and more sucky. So that in the past few weeks I have felt a little schizophrenic, stuck in this place of “knowing the Truth of what was needed to affirm life and grow my universe” and “knowing the Truth of the life destroying and destructive forces at work to tear my universe apart that were mutating in the basement.” I was evenly pulled by both energies, and still am somewhat, causing me to be not particularly able to “tell the truth” because I felt torn between the two “Truths” so much that I felt I would be out of integrity to tell one or the other. I also felt deeply frightened of telling the destructive “Truth” as it would destroy my Universe as I know it to even tell it. Thought and Word as Prayer and prayer manifested into reality. So I worked very hard in mySelf to not even think about the mutating stinking mess in the basement, even as I kept watching pieces of my Universe be pulled apart. Is this denial? If I am avoiding the painful “Truth” then why is it so painful? If I am stepping into the powerful “Truth” then why is it so painful? The pain, fear, anger and suffering must be living in that purgatory of in between. That place of indecision. That fence walking that has me so close to stepping into either “truth” and yet not. There must be a way to open my consciousness to the “truth” that is mutating in the basement without having it destroy my Universe. There must be a way to know with the certainty of faith and spirit that as I step forward as light into the next moment that I am not in denial of the mutating mass in the basement I am just not at the effect of it, in fact I am somehow the cause of it and that it all is Truly part of the unfolding Sacred Dream of Life.
Sometimes I do wish that as I grow older and wiser that I didn’t also have to create challenges that would make it seem like I am actually growing more ignorant and idiotic.
I don’t think I have made much sense, in this posting, to anyone but mySelf. My intention is to open mySelf up and find a way in to heal and clean out the basement.