Sometimes I can be such a coward. I can have all the appearances of a wise old enlightened being and still be a quivering mass of scardycat flesh inside. One of the most cowardly things that I catch myself in is the act of melting away and hoping nobody notices, knowing they will and then I get embarrassed that I have melted away and melt away some more, and then I become ashamed of myself and my cowardice and melt away some more, and then (and this is the bottom of the slide), I start to disbelieve the whole thing and start to think it was all silly and stupid and even begin to make it wrong, in order to justify my melting away in the first place. Whew what a ridiculously cowardly path to follow.
I have taken that path with this blog. I have been contributing in fits and starts and holding mySelf accountable in fleeting, unpredictable and ineffective ways. I have been filling myself with a false sense of gung honess and get back on the horseness, when I really have felt like I am melting away from all that I have built here. I am truly grateful to my readers and friends for keeping it real and bringing me back. I do know that this is one of the best structures I have found for me to tell the truth, whatever that is, in the moment and to do my best to recover to what I know is my path to integration with all my Selves. So this cowardly melting away is not something I am doing that is in fear of all of you, it is a melting away from my Self and my consciousness. It is all part of a recognizable pattern in myself that is becoming less and less tolerable and as I keep exposing it to mySelf, I find it has less and less ability to run me and melt me. I find that I Am indeed strong and courageous and filled with light and possibility. I know what I need to do now, it’s not like the old days when I could be all confused and not know what to do. I really do know what practices I need to put into place and keep in place. I know how to recover when I fall off or start to melt. I know what is important for mySelf to pay attention to and to ignore. I am acting more and more on all that and know that sometimes I will melt a bit and dip a bit and collapse a bit. I know that I’ll get angry and depressed and scared and all those things that can be the first step on a downward spiral journey into the abyss. And I know how to hop off that stairway after taking a few steps. So I have been very successful in these past few months and years at knowing mySelf much better and loving mySelf much more. I have learned that courage (rage of the heart) is my ability to with complete openness, and as much truth and honesty as I can find, throw my heart over the fence and not have a clue as to how it will land and go over and pick it up, dust it off, put it back together and return it to where it belongs. This is good work I have done with mySelf.
Now it is time to recover and remind mySelf what it is we are here for. I am preparing to leave for another two week stint in New Mexico with my teachers and the Black Lodge training, where there will be incredible work done in the area of “The Mastery of Transformation”, and I won’t be writing or blogging during that time. I will however “do my best” to blog daily until I leave. My blogging will focus on the accountability of consciousness and awareness of all areas of mySelf.