The Battle

battle_blogI melted on Wednesday, I recovered and promised to write on Thursday, and didn’t, I am here on Friday fully aware of the battle going on inside between the Light and the Shadow. The light of mySelf is saying “get solid, stand on your own two feet, put on your consciousness explorer suit and step out into the space of consciousness and notice what is there that you are creating and what is there that you are not.” The shadow is saying “melt into invisibility and do nothing, indulge your mindlessness for a little longer, the world is moving on and will get along quite fine while you linger and laze around abit longer, go for it.” There are many mornings I wake up to that inner battle. Some mornings the Light is more enrolling, some mornings the Shadow is more enrolling, and some mornings the battle is more enrolling and I just stay in the ambivalence and the struggle all day long. For the last 3 years, since I have been in the Black Lodge Training, I am giving more mornings to the Light and the choice of consciousness. In the last couple of months I am giving more mornings to either the Shadow or the battle. Yesterday the battle won. I started writing in this blog and all sorts of distractions cropped up and I stepped into being distracted by “really important” things. The funky thing about the battle is that what feels “Really Important” in the moment, like listening to Obama’s Health Care Speech and finding great opportunities to link it to a conversation that Karen and I had about co-leadership felt really important. So I tried to write and listen at the same time, uh uh doesn’t work for me (a little melting) So I stopped writing and just listened through to the end, looked at the clock and it was time to go to the dentist and do the errands I had planned for the day. “OK” my battled self said “I’ll write when I get home”, of course when I got home, my wonderful assistant was there working away, I had forgotten she was coming, and I had stuff I had to do with her, which kicked up all sorts of other little “really important” things I had to do. So writing went away with it’s little starting paragraph written and the rest melted away. The battle was that all the while I was doing those “really important” things in the back of my awareness was always the thought “Henry it would be really powerful if you could just put aside these things and get back to writing that cool consciousness piece on Obama, Karen and co-leadership, if you did you would learn all sorts of things about this thing that is so Really Important to you.” Boy when that voice is right, it is so brightly right, and you can just imagine the battle that was raging in the back of my awareness between these forces. Here was this really cool consciousness work I was being called to battling with everything else that the world could throw up at me in the moment. The paragraph stayed open on my computer and I kept seeing it as I moved from thing to thing and the battle would start anew.

Finally I went downstairs to fix a scotch and dinner and watch some TV and forget about it all, To Melt in my official melting ritual that I partake in most evenings, sometimes with a drink sometimes without, sometimes with TV sometimes without, it doesn’t matter because it is a choice to melt. This choice to melt feels quite different to me then waking up in the battle and Melting winning. I suppose I could train myself to burn the midnight oils and keep at it until I dropped off to sleep. I could even talk myself into the evening time would be an excellent time to think and write, many great thinkers and writers work then. It just doesn’t feel like me. I’d rather get up earlier in the morning and get right into it then choose not to melt in the evenings. So here I am on Friday morning noticing my journey. I think I will go and add something to that paragraph from yesterday now.

3 responses to “The Battle

  1. I like your awareness around “choosing” to melt. It feels a little freeing…..freeing from all that pressure it feels like you put on yourself to be so damn amazing and brilliant. (you were amazing and brilliant right from birth BTW….it’s your birthright)

    Something else that hit me as I read….. if you are meant to be in a resting place….you must just go with it. ALLOW IT. The brilliant stuff will come….EXACTLY when the time is right. And it’s brilliance will SHINE when allowed to shine rather then forcing it out….which only creates a glare.

    Hope that made sense.

    Loving you and your journey…

  2. Hi dear Henry,
    I also had a crunching feeling in my back as I read this, I can feel the struggle. And I want to ask what happens when you let go?
    Love Emmaxxxxx

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