Accountability and Contemplation

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Sometimes you just gotta check off the box

Yesterday I swam!! 36 laps and moving back up to my 60-70 laps. I got out of the pool and after toweling off and feeling great in my body, as I knew I would, I was talking to another guy who was changing and saying how great it felt to swim. He agreed and without looking at me said that it wasn’t a great way to lose weight though. In the past I would have taken that statement very personally and either shut up and go about my business feeling either embarrassed or angry inside, or I would have been very hurt and inauthentically changed the subject to the weather or something, while my broken heart cryed and felt hopeless inside. Well none of those possibilities even poked their heads up. Instead I stood their naked and looked at him, he didn’t look at me, I felt nothing in the way of shame, embarrassment, anger or hurt, and I said “I gave up caring about losing weight years ago, I just love to swim, I love the feel of the water and the exercise of it and I love how it has me feel more fit.” He nodded his head, finished dressing and left. I sat there beaming inside, feeling terrific, because I truly don’t care if I ever lose another pound. I just know that as I keep moving in the direction I am moving in I will get more fit, have a stronger body and heart, and wear smaller clothes. If I do all that and don’t lose an ounce I will be very happy. So chalk up another transformation in this Bear. I have put mySelf back on the swimming calendar and I am thrilled. I am swimming tomorrow and 3 times next week.

I also got my riff of the day written. I wrote a riff on Assumptions. My assumptions about it are that it is alright and there is a deeper cut that I could take on it. Stay tuned.

I did a contemplation, instead of a meditation, out on the deck yesterday and sank into the gorgeous day and contemplated water.

Food – I am not recalibrated yet to my moderation and restraint program. I am back to some old cleaning plate habits. Although the size of the plates I am cleaning are smaller then they used to be, they aren’t as small as I would like them to be in the Moderation 1/3 model. So I will keep tuning that down in the next few days and see what emerges.

Ok that’s it for accountability. Now what am I noticing as I dive down into my consciousness? What am I noticing as I contemplate water? What am I noticing about “holding down the fort” while Karen/Golden Elk is off in the desert getting a spiritual tune up? I am noticing that the volume of the voice of the judge and the emotional reactions has been turned way down. I sometimes don’t even hear them or feel them, and when I do it seems like their voices are not very powerful. There is such a patience that this Bear/Turtle/elder self has with all of that and the voice of that patience is becoming so much more powerful, like a whisper with force behind it or the sound of a pin dropping in a vast silent space. It has such clarity and at the same time is so respectful and easy. If I am headed in a direction that isn’t on the high road, there is no judgment in that voice at all their is only understanding and a knowing that I will find the high road again, and that sometimes a little side trip on the low road is educational. And although I miss Golden Elk/Karen I am not having those old familiar “lost” feelings of wandering around the house not quite sure what I should do. My life is filled with creative possibilities and excellent time wasting opportunities in any given moment and this Bear/turtle voice would love to see me stepping into the creative possibilities and at the same time understands a little time wasting every now and then. It’s fascinating to not feel so dominated by that judge voice.

water

The depth and breadth of our emotons.

Water – Moriella – It’s interesting that as I sit here and write I look out at a vast ocean and the music playing while I am writing has a flute with some babbling stream in the background, almost like the flute is jamming with the stream. Water all around me. In the medicine work I am doing water is the element in the south and is associated with emotions. So as I look out at the vast ocean I am aware of the vastness of emotions, of the depth of them and the opportunity they give us to navigate to distant shores of possibility. As I hear the flute jam with the stream I feel into the emotions running through me as music and I feel my ability to jam with them and am aware that they don’t run the show, they are just part of the music. As I swim and feel my body moving through the delightful water and feel mySelf held up by it, floating on it, and gliding through it, I feel mySelf relating to my emotions that way. I let them hold me up, I let mySelf float on them, aware that at any moment I could hold my breath and dive deeply into them, swim around for awhile and come up for another breath of clarity and air. I can also feel mySelf gliding though emotions and noticing them flowing past me and around me and not stopping me.

Tonight I dream with the bowl of my pipe.

One response to “Accountability and Contemplation

  1. I love the permission you give yourself here, as in, letting yourself enjoy your experiences for what they are rather than a means to some end. I love floating on water in a “swimfloat” and I love to sing with the elements while I do so. The silence that follows as I float is a mind expanding experience for me. I miss this in the winter when the water is too cold. When I hike in the woods, it is to nourish my soul as much as to keep my body fit. I relate too to contemplation as an option to meditation. It’s all preference. Bravo for not taking that guy’s comment personally. Water off a duck’s (turtle’s) back.

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