I woke up this morning grouchy, stiff and in some pain, I think from yesterdays swim. Actually it doesn’t matter what it’s from, what matters is I grumbled and grouched my way to the morning tea. I was thinking about writing a note from that other self to my self, I was filled with yuckyness as I woke up this morning. I wandered up, showerless (I mean why take a shower when you “know” it won’t help) to the office with my cup of tea and settled right into my new addiction of playing my game on facebook. I took a couple whacks at the monster and did a quest or two and I wasn’t feeling any better. I looked outside and saw that it was a cold, gray, murky and rainy day and said to myself “of course”. This was not a good start to my day. In this place I can get very resentful about all the good and brilliant things I say to mySelf and that mySelf says to me. I can sort of look up sideways with scorn and contempt on my face and say something like “who do you think you’re kidding?” So I put some music on that I usually journal to, Carlos Nakai and Peter Kater and their ilk, I make another cup of tea and a bowl of hot cereal and I click on the journaling program that I write in. (One of the features I like about this program is that I can make it be the only thing on the screen, so that there is this light blue screen and the font is large and purple. So that I can pretend there is nothing else going on with the computer behind what I am writing, no emails, no games, no calendar, no browsing the internet, no news, nothing is happening except what is happening right here. It’s sort of cool, but I digress.) After I clicked on my MacJournal program and blot out the world I sat there and stared at the screen “trying” to change my mood, looked out at the ocean for inspiration, thought about something wise or inspirational to say, if not to myself at least maybe I could be smily and inspirational to those of you who might be unfortunate enough to click on this entry and think you were going to get some wisdom, consciousness raising or inspiration from me today.
Well there I sat, nothing, and I sat, nothing, and I sat some more staring at the blue screen and the murky ocean. Finally a little voice said “just tell the truth, tell yourself what is going on and who knows where it will go.” And I started writing. As I wrote those first few words my mood already began to shift, even as I was writing about my resentment and my grouchyness it was beginning to disappear. My chest started to open up and I stopped feeling fat and ugly and started to feel my substantial self. I stopped feeling my pain or stiffness and started to want to stretch my feet and sit up straighter in my chair. I coughed out a few deep breaths and found mySelf breathing again. I’m back.
Man oh man the journeys we humans can take in a short time are remarkable. I truly can move from a contempt filled, resentment generating grouch to a substantial man of power, patience and wisdom in an hour or so. I can move from a body in pain to a body alive in that same hour. I can move from harsh self judgment to beautiful self love. I can also move right back to those nasty places, or wake up in them. That’s not bad, that’s just true. The key is do I have the tools and the listening for that voice that just says “tell the truth, who knows where it will go.” It usually goes in a pretty good and powerful direction.