There is an energy I am feeling this morning that is not particularly spiritually mature. It is a familiar energy and I don’t like it much. It is an energy born in failing and falling behind in my commitments. It is an anxious energy that yearns to please people that I know that I have disappointed, especially teachers or ones in authority, and yet it is also an energy that wants to rebel and just say “screw it”. It comes from napping for a couple of months and playing my games and ignoring some of my commitments, especially me Black Lodge agreements to stay engaged in conversation and learning. Out of that space of being absent and not “doing my homework”, my little i gets caught up in a swirl of shame and guilt and other nonsense that will be mighty familiar to anyone who got behind in school a bit or took too long to write those thank-you letters, that building loop of “I didn’t do it (bad), I should do it (good), it’s too late to do it (victim), I won’t be loved or respected anymore (pathetic loser), back to I didn’t do it (bad)” and on and on, finishing with some sort of mollifying half-hearted attempt to please without really getting the job done. It is ether that energy or one of the many close cousins to that energy that is gurgling around in my belly looking for a place to land. As I write it I am aware of how much stronger I am then that old energy and that I don’t really have to let that energy or habit overrun me. I truly have the skill and ability to dig into my cellar and pull up the roots of that sucker and not get caught by it again.
When I do that I see that there are consequences to anything and everything that I do. There are consequences to taking a nap and playing Castle Age for a couple of months. When I let mySelf do something like that I will have to face up to and deal with the consequences. I broke agreements that I made with others. In the breaking of those agreements I am not a bad person or will not stop being loved or rejected by anybody. I did break agreements however and it is up to me to clean up the ground around those broken agreements and to make new ones. I need to take responsibility for the choices I made and for the choices I need to make moving forward. The only person that I really ever fear or feel I need to hide from for “being bad” and not “doing what I was supposed to” is really just myself and I find it is actually impossible to hide from myself anymore. The truth is it was always impossible, which is why that anxious energy was ever there in the first place. It was really that feeling of trying to hide and not being able to. Finally I realize that the saddest thing of all is that the Self I was frantically running away from and trying desperately to hide from is actually a benevolent and patient self who has no anger or malice for me in any way whatsoever. This Self is strongly desirous of my development and growth and completely understanding of the necessity of making mistakes and learning from these mistakes as I continue to grow and learn. There is nothing or no-one that I need to hide from or fear.