I Don’t Wanna Part 1

I forgot to add this to yesterdays poll until this morning so some of you might not have seen it and I am curious so I add this to the beginning of this post.

One of my favorite books as a kid, along with Harold and the Purple Crayon.

This morning feels like a morning to dig around in the basement a bit. I am wondering about the nature of my curiosity. I know I am very curious in general, that it doesn’t take much to tickle my interest and I am off like a dog chasing a new scent. Actually that isn’t completely accurate, I should say that when my interest is tickled it is really tickled and the dog takes off. Sometimes though it feels like nothing on earth could tickle that curiosity.

A quick story about my curiosity and enthusiasm: A while back my Mom was planning a trip to the game parks of Kenya and she wanted to take along one of her 5 children. As she imagined herself with all 5 of us, and we are all spectacular children each in our own way, she wanted to travel with the one who’s eyes would light up with the childlike curiosity and enthusiasm and wouldn’t stop pointing and saying “oooo look it’s a lion” or “shhh we have to be quiet so it won’t move” and the like even if they were adults in their late 20’s to late 30’s. The child she picked was, of course, me. I’m still good at that wide eyed enthusiastic curiosity and I love that about me. I never want to lose it. And…. I am noticing that it sometimes takes a lot to initially tickle it. Once tickled and moving it is insatiable, but getting it tickled and moving can sometimes be a herculean task.

An example, I love hot tubs and I love swimming. I love the feeling of the water on my body and the feeling of my body after it gets out of the water. It tickles all sorts of curiosity and interest in me about my body, skin, and the sensation in my muscles after having been moving through water. I never cease to notice, be interested in, and be curious about it during and after the fact. Yet I suffer and struggle my way to these opportunities time after time. Karen has to practically drag me to the hot tub on most nights and getting mySelf to the pool for a swim feels like I have to climb Mt. Everest just to get there. There is some sort of habit or idea in me of “I don’t wanna” that is so strong even for things that I love doing.

It also shows up in learning. I love learning and I love nothing more then the creativity and curiosity that is stimulated in either receiving a great idea or having one. Whether I am in a conversation, relationship, or reading the excitement that I feel when I start to riff on a wonderful idea or concept is almost orgasmic sometimes. And yet I have this large stack of unread books and sometimes plenty of time to dive into them, and it feels like this heavy and sticky burden to lift one up and begin reading it. I know that once into it 80-90% of the time I will begin that wonderful riff and the other 10-20% I won’t and have no problem putting the book down. The habit “I don’t wanna” has me not pick it up.

I have discovered some compensations for this habit. This blog for instance, every morning I come up here and sit in front of my computer and open my journaling program and stare at the screen and the ocean and “I don’t wanna” shows up. I breathe and sit with it and then I remember that I committed to mySelf to do this as a way to brighten my consciousness, and I start to write whatever is there and it begins to pull on that curiosity and enthusiasm and off I go. Sometimes the “I don’t wanna” wins and I let myself get pulled into something else, usually something more habitual like emails. I can sometimes compensate for swimming or walking in the morning by psyching myself up and laying out my clothes the night before and then with out thinking GO upon waking up. That’s all well and good, and the real work is to dig out that habit or underlying limiting belief and understand it’s roots and then plant a new belief or habit.

So I am going to title this entry “I Don’t Wanna Part 1” and go off and do some stalking of limiting beliefs around this and I am coming back tomorrow to this blog and going to write “I Don’t Wanna Part 2” and hopefully have something to report to mySelf along the lines of excavated beliefs and new ones planted.

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