So I can have a great deal of compassion and understanding for the boy that was me adopting this mechanism as way to preserve a sense of authority and get some attention in an increasingly chaotic and distracted world, from the eyes of the child that I was. I can also see how choosing this way of operating was a whole lot less confronting then what seemed to be my other options at the time. It must have felt a whole lot safer, easier, and more comfortable to NOT do something then it did to do it. Wow, I can really see how this decision to create this default mechanism up has run so much of my life and “choices”. I have trained myself to be an auto-reaction to anybody suggesting an action to me or asking me to join them in an action, my immediate, automatic, and instantaneous reaction is “I don’t wanna”. Then I have to work my way from there forward. A lot of the time I don’t work my way forward because it’s just too hard or too much work. A lot of the time I work my way forward because the other person stays with me patiently waiting for me to go through my initial “resistance” and move on with things. I also realize that not all the effects of this mechanism are negative. There is a creativity that emerges from this resistance that often creates remarkable opportunities and openings. There is a healthy resistance that is the necessary friction and tension that is often needed to make something good into something great. I am not interested in throwing out that baby with the bath water of “I don’t wanna”.
I am also not interested in a reactive world that I could create in installing a mechanism called “I wanna” which would actually be, bare with me here, “NOT I don’t wanna”. It actually creates a wimpy, weak and passive voice of “going along with” and “toleration” that is unacceptable. No I think it is quite simple actually. After the excavation of this mechanism, what is left in the hole is consciousness and choice. The idea is to take a breath and choose from a place of consciousness. It all goes back to Turtle Medicine, notice, breathe, notice some more, choose, notice some more, act, notice some more.
Now it’s time to create some ceremony around all of this and look to what is needed to move on.