Yet it can be impossible to find words when I really need them to help me express a profound experience, a deeply held truth of my spirit or soul, an expression of purpose or value or essence. It seems I can do a fairly capable job of wrapping words around these energetic, spiritual and soulful experiences. This sometimes actually protects them from being fully known, fully expressed or fully realized. These words though never get to the seed of the experience, the core, the truth. It seems that these essential experiences are somehow beyond language, and yet language is what we use to make something real and to manifest it in this universe.
It is essential that we keep writing and speaking our ways into that core, even if we can’t find the words. We need to speak around it, above it, below it, beside it. We need to keep the conversation around it open and flowing and not think we have it. The conversation needs to be brilliant and stupid at the same time, it needs to be poetry and stumbling about at the same time. It needs to be written, sung, spoken, painted, sculpted, danced, drummed, played and dreamed over and over again. I need to give up the destination and yet yearn for it constantly. The destination of being able to put my essence into words is forever in front of me and one of the reasons I am on this earth, who ever that “I” is. And yet I need to love and respect the journey of it as much as I yearn to reach the destination. I need to keep circling and spiraling around and around with my words looking for a clearer and richer way of speaking about those essential experiences that are there in the core of my spirit. Yes there are many languages and systems that do a grand job, in there own way, of finding the words that speak to that essence, and I need to find my own. The words that I find make it possible for me, this wonderful amalgam of spirit and matter that is currently walking on this earth and writing in this blog, to know mySelf and the Universe and all the wisdom contained therein. And yet I will have to use words invented by others, reinvented by me, reinterpreted by me, maybe sometimes invented by me to get to that essence. As I interpret, invent and reinvent I am going to need to express it so that it becomes real in the universe which means that you will need to understand what the heck I am talking about. This is a journey worth taking and one that I have been on this entire lifetime. Oh goody.
I walked away after eating half a bowl of cereal and berries this morning feeling quite satisfied. I did a bit of parking lot walking and went to a movie yesterday, an interesting solo date with Karen where we went to the same movies in different towns and then called each other to talk about it, where I had some popcorn and an In and Out burger and fries afterwords. So I still have some old habits to pull back and some new ones to strengthen.