This morning I’ve got that feeling of being in the starting gate, all pumped up and yet grouchy and cranky, all ready to blast out into the universe and yet held back by that gate. All ready to sink into and enjoy this incredibly beautiful morning with the clear golden light lighting up the cliffs of Tomales Point across the mouth of the bay and a flock of birds diving and twisting in unison out in that light, at the same time the sleep won’t quite leave my eyes and my joints are stiff and my mouth is turned down in some sort of grouchy pout. I know there is this ceremony I am going to be kicking off on Monday which is going to involve me getting up at 0-dark-thirty to go swimming every morning, followed by meditation and writing. I feel the “race” of it on the other side of the starting gate. I want it and I dread it. My heart is leaping towards it and my rebel is looking for ice cream. I woke up at 15 minutes past 0-dark-thirty this morning naturally and saw that it was still dark and knew in that moment how excited my body was to get going on this already, but because I am behind the gate my rebel tossed and turned and went back to sleep to catch a couple more dreams and to make sure that anything that wasn’t stiff would be by the time I woke up, that way I could moan and groan as I got myself up and have a moment or two to think about what a stupid idea this ceremony, this race, is anyway. That naturally early riser had excitement and enthusiasm sprinkled with a pinch of fear of disappointment. The grouch has fear masked as resistance with a pinch of bad mood. So here I am behind the starting gate stomping and snorting, eager and scared, bright eyed and grouchy all at the same time.
You know owning and helping to run an amazing global transformation business is sometimes a pain in the butt. Oh sure we are doing incredible work in the world, lives are changing all around us and because of the work we do. We are not only creating openings for transformation in the people we come into contact with, even more importantly we are working with those people to create openings for transformation that they come into contact with. I am truly blessed to be able to create this work and these opportunities in the world. I am thrilled to be a “thought leader” in this profession. I am both humbled and privileged by how this business is growing and by who is being touched and who is playing with us. AND sometimes it is a complete pain in the butt. Sometimes I just want to turn the volume down on the business or mute it even and just go away for a very long time. Sometimes I just want to have other things to talk about and relate to others with. Sometimes I want to have folks around me that I haven’t taught or employed in some way. Sometimes I want to be able to be uncool, bitch. moan, complain about other people and not just myself without threatening to open a whole other can of worms in the business that I will have to spend hours, weeks, months cleaning up. Sometimes I want business to mean “love, love, love, love is all there is” instead of love sometimes and complaining and bitching and problems most of the time. Sometimes I want my beloved wife, one of the people in my world that has to hold up more of the weight of all this then anyone, to be able to come home or get on the phone and be truly happy, feel to her toes the love and acknowledgment that is out there for her and to feel how amazingly wonderful and powerful and successful she is at what she does. Now of course this all does happen some times and it is a complete pity party on my part to say that it doesn’t. And there are plenty of times when it rains down crap from the sky.
It’s the price we pay for stepping into leadership I guess. It is the courage, heart rage, that leaders need to step into the always changing unknown following a vision. They have to know that as they keep stepping out into that sea of changing unknown and asking others to follow that the others will be scared and filled with doubt. The leader needs to know that, and know that the doubt that keeps rising in their own heart isn’t real. That what is real is the vision, the stake, the stand that they feel pulling on their heart, and no matter how heavy, painful, chaotic, and filled with “Sophie’s Choices” out there that it gets, that’s all that matters. And sometimes every leader needs a break, and if they don’t take it what happens is that the word “down” gets added to break, and then things really suck.
So orient to the stake, follow the vision, keep opening up consciousness and take breaks.