Day 8 (oops)
I was called for Jury Duty today. Jury Duty starts at 9 and it’s a good idea to be a bit early to avoid the long check in line. With traffic it takes me about an hour + to get from where the pool is to the Marin. So I got up at 6:15 bumbled around getting ready and realized that I needed to print some stuff out so that I could make a phone call later today, so didn’t get out of the house until 6:50, at the pool by 7:20, did I say it was raining and cold. I saw that by the time I undressed and then showered and got myself ready to be in public all day I would be left with less then 15 minutes in the cold and rainy pool. So I declared an official break day in my program, which wasn’t going to have break days. As I contemplated this break in the program on the drive down to the court house I realized that I knew when I woke up that I wasn’t going to go swimming that morning. I kept getting “it up” so to speak to “keep my commitment”. I kept pushing through to say I did it, even though a part of me was always finding some reason that I wasn’t going to do it, something that was truly important that had to get my attention and then finding a new resolve and pushing through again. There is a place in me that absolutely knows that it is fine if I take a day off and that nothing needs to change and that nothing is ruined and then there is a part of me that is terrified that if I stop once I am “giving up on mySelf, betraying mySelf” and it will be only easier in the future to revert to old unconscious habits. “The discipline is gone once the balloon is pricked”. I know in the deepest part of mySelf that both are perspectives and that I can choose to live from one or live from the other, it truly is my choice. I choose the first, that it is OK to take a day off and it means nothing in terms of my commitment and dedication to mySelf.
Jury Duty – You know I actually love Jury Duty. It is always a little sad when I go and don’t get picked to be on a jury. I have served on 4 different Juries that went to trial and, although two of them were complete wastes of taxpayer money, I found each experience fascinating and an experience outside of the realm of experience that I float in on most days. I meet people that I just wouldn’t meet in any other circumstances and I feel a sense of pride in fulfilling a duty or responsibility as a citizen. At the same time there is this deep desire that seems to be expressed in most prospective jurors eyes, even mine, that says “Don’t pick me” or “Please let the fickle finger of fate pass over me today and let me get back to all of the ‘important and urgent’ things of my life”. So I am sitting there both wanting to get picked and hoping I don’t get picked at the same time. There is relief and disappointment when I don’t get picked. However there is excitement and opportunity whenever I have been picked. It truly is an interesting mix of responses firing simultaneously in my consciousness. Maybe I’ll get picked in two years when I am called in next, probably not, and it’s fun imagining anyway.