Shifting and Stirring in the Paradox

Maybe it starts like this somewhere deep down inside.

Day 12

Something is shifting inside of me. I think maybe something is always shifting inside of me, some days I am awake to it and others I am not. Sometimes the stirrings are filled with light, power and other things bright and beautiful. Sometimes the stirrings are empty of light and they are stirring around the muck and the density that is dark and shadowy. Sometimes the stirrings are jumping around in the middle of those two places, and sometimes the stirrings are so subtle that I have to sit around for a bit to feel what is there softly moving about that wants attention. This morning the stirrings and the shifting about is more of the later. I know there is stuff stirring and shifting around and I know it is not particularly dark and heavy and it is not particularly bright and beautiful and it is not just bouncing around between the two. What is it though? I feel full of paradox. I feel both dark and light, not like a bounce from one to the other but both at the same time. I feel patience and impatience happening at the same time. I feel like an idiot and a genius both at the same time. I feel like I want to be here doing this and like I want to be somewhere else at the same time. I feel happy and sad, confused and clear, lonely and content, excited and scared, awake and sleepy, stiff and loose. I know that there is great awareness for me to open up here and at the same time I feel like I am wasting my time and just finding words to say.

When I am filled with all these stirrings and shiftings that are paradoxical in their very nature I am both pulled to do nothing and to do something. In my past I notice that I would be pulled to do nothing and wait until the pull to do something got strong enough. Sometimes doing nothing is a really good thing as it creates time and space for breathing, contemplation and patience. Sometimes doing nothing is sort of lazy and asleep as it creates waiting, emptiness and encourages unconsciousness. However my default would be towards doing nothing when these stirrings and shiftings would be what was going on. Today I am noticing that I am feeling these particular stirrings and shiftings and going back and forth between doing something (in this case writing and contemplating) and nothing (in this case sitting with my fingers curled and poised over the keyboard, staring at the screen and listening to the music and the wind outside and …………………………………………………. wondering what will my fingers type next.) It is sort of cool in a way, it sort of reminds me of this video I saw of Ekhart Tolle giving a talk. He came out on the stage and talked when he had something to say and then would just sit there in silence for long periods of time, ……………. and then he would start talking again. So in my present I am moving more from a place of doing something and nothing at the same time. In my present and in my future I see this bear and turtle (great examples both of them at doing nothing and doing something at the same time in their essences) meandering along together holding the wonderful tensions of paradox in their beings and being very loose and unconcerned about the whole thing. I see mySelf that way doing this wonderful dance of stillness and movement, thought and no-thought, something and nothing. At least right now I see that and that is what is stirring and shifting around in me.

Who knows what will be going on later in the day when I go to the airport to pick up Karen, or tomorrow when I go for a swim and the farmers market. The earth keeps moving around the sun and the galaxies keep spinning around the universe and it all moves around in this amazingly fertile space that has sooooo much room for all of this and so much more. Don’t know if I am making sense this morning and don’t much care.

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