Grumpy conversion

No sleep can help to make me a bit like this.

Day 14

For some reason I slept terribly last night. I went to bed around 10:30 and tossed and turned until about 1:30 in ways that wouldn’t wake Karen and then I just got mad, took a pill and slept fitfully, noticing the clock every hour or so, till I “woke up” at 7, grumpily “tried” to sleep for another half hour and gave it all up. Karen had already gotten up and went somewhere more pleasant I’m sure. I grumbled, mumbled and stumbled my way into my clothes and gathered my stuff up for my swim and completely convinced myself that I was too tired and didn’t have enough sleep to go for a swim. I walked in the kitchen and Karen had her hands wrapped around a cup of tea and a smile on her face and said something like “Off to start his day, have fun hon”. I heard something through my grumpy filter like “chipper bright and blah blah blah” and my grumpy/resistant self who has a very hard time dealing with “chipper and bright” decided that going for a swim was indeed a good thing. So off I headed on Easter morning to the pool, not a single car on the road so I am thinking there won’t be anyone in the pool. However, as usual, my expectant mind is incorrect most of the time. The pool was quite full and it looked like I was going to have to do a circle dance in the slow lane and as I walked over in my swimtrunks and goggles and got ready to get into the pool one of the other swimmers decided it was time to go just then and got out. So I grumped myself into the water and noticed that I was in the side closest to the wall which means I have to pull in my wide sweeping arms and squeeze myself between the wall and the other swimmer that is sharing my lane as we pass by each other. OK my grumpy self suffers along and starts to swim anyway.

As I swim my Self is starting to wake up and say “This is good Henry, find your rhythm, this grumpiness and tiredness is temporary and will go eventually. Aren’t you amazing for getting yourself here when it felt like this was going to be a crappy day?” My grump hurrmphed and kept swimming. A little later my lane partner finished and I had the lane all to myself. My mind was so occupied by both the complaining and the awakening of mySelf that it wasn’t keeping any kind of count of laps swum, so as I swam lap after lap there was an exchange of power inside of me, the balance of power shifted to my awake and conscious self. My swimming started to sink into a meditative rhythm and I started to go into no-mind more and more. Finally I got to the shallow end and stopped. It was sort of like Forest Gump getting to the end of his road after crass-crossing the country many times and he just stopped and turned around. I just stopped and got out of the pool, I was done. I knew that I was going to go home and sit in a meditation with Karen up in our little meditation cupola and that would be the final good bye to my grump for the day. I knew that I wouldn’t need to take care of her, or apologize for my behavior because I was in mySelf. I was integrated, complete and present. I was ready to face my day as a loving partner who didn’t get enough sleep. Man oh man the cycles and journeys we go on in mere moments, enough to make one be truly amazed by the range of experiences there are to be had in life, eh?

One response to “Grumpy conversion

  1. I was riveted, truly. What was going to happen with grumpy? Awesome how you told the story. It resonated with the many times I’ve felt the same and so we know we are all human and sometimes grumpy too. Especially love that you know that Karen won’t need you to take care of her. Looking forward to creating that for myself some day. AND oh – just love this line: I heard something through my grumpy filter like “chipper bright and blah blah blah”

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