4 more days until I leave for Black Lodge in Tulum for my final ceremony. I am feeling solid in this set of practices and my first big challenge will be upon return from Tulum. Will I be able to hop back into my practices for the 4 days I am home before I take off for Leadership in North Carolina? I will be gone for 6 days doing a much modified set of practices and then I return home for 8 days? Will I be able to return to my freshly established home practices for those 8 days before I head off to another Leadership Program with Karen in the Santa Cruz mountains? These will be the true tests of my commitments are these journeys away from my practices here at home. Sometimes in the past I have been successful and others not. I am left with an ultimate sense of foreboding and distrust in myself to continue. I know in mySelf with certainty and clarity I am on a road of consciousness around my food. I feel the zeal and fervor of a philosophical acceptance of a new way of being for the rest of my life when it comes to the challenges and opportunities of eating locally and seasonally. I haven’t produced that zeal and fervor with the swimming and the morning practices. I feel the “rightness” of these practices and of swimming in particular as a thing that is really really good for me and for my body. I feel a groundedness in the time I have carved out for mySelf in the mornings and the good habits I am laying down like tracks on a recording. At the same time there is one in my circle that distrusts these qualities and experiences. This one in my circle is skeptical, because he has felt these same sensations so many times before about taking on something that is good for me. He has experienced the let down and the disappointment over and over again as another set of excellent practices have evaporated in the mists of unconsciousness and “comfort”.
Now I know that my integrated Self is stronger and more conscious then ever before and I know that I have created a remarkable accountability system here with this blog and with people that love me in this world really having a sense of what it is that I have said is good for mySelf to stay on this path of consciousness and intention. Even that skeptical one in my circle knows this and his skepticism is still there under the surface. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe instead of being frightened of the validity of his skeptical thinking I can use is as incentive to prove him wrong, to win him over. Wouldn’t that be amazing to have my skeptic become a true believer. Instead of wanting to get rid of his voice, keep listening deeply to it and seeking to make him a believer in mySelf rather then in the evidence he has collected over the years to back up his skepticism. To convert him, incorporate him, bring him into the fold of my inner circle as THE advocate and truth speaker. What would it be like to live life with a certainty and a deep consciousness that I was on a path that my whole being could believe in, while at the same time be acutely listening to all parts of mySelf, knowing that they are all aligned with where I am headed, and altering my course when needed because I trust the truth being told by this circle of believers in me.
I don’t know, as I think about this ideal scenario I wonder where the voice of the shadow, the judge, the harsh critic has gone and would there ever be a place in the circle of my integrated Self for these guys that are out to destroy that circle at all cost? I think not. I think that tension is part of the universe inside of me and that yes I can create a believer of a skeptic but I can’t convert the judge. The judge needs a kind of vigilance and attention that feels to me is a constant as opposed to a war to win. It is the yin to the yang. The more I reveal of my light the more I become aware of my darkness. It is just part of my consciousness and isn’t meant to be made into light it is meant to be respected and known for what it is, darkness. Hmmmmmmm.