Golly that day 17 just snuck by with all sorts of crap that was tricky to shake off. There was also some amazing opportunities to recover yesterday, some of which I stepped into brilliantly and some of which I failed at miserably. All attempts and recognition of opportunities at attempts are being completely honored and celebrated. The most important recovery of all was this morning. Getting up at 6:30 after a good nights sleep and going to the pool and starting things off in a kind of deep body meditation. Today the swim was all about the stroke and feeling my body going through the water and finding the way to make mySelf as efficient as possible with my movements. How do I make the kick propel me and the sweep of the arms pull me and then send me upwards to catch my breath and then shoot forward to become an arrow being shot from the bow of my legs in the next bow-like frog kick. It was a true body mind experience, and a complete recovery from yesterday’s acting out.
Yesterday ah yesterday. Do I move on into today and just slip into denial that yesterday even happened? Tempting. Do I process it to death to eek out whatever learning there is to add to my ever deepening consciousness? Also tempting. Do I just judge myself as bad and wrong for most of the day and realize that I truly am a fraud and an impostor and all of this that I have been working towards is just a load of crap? Naaaah sorry mister judge, can’t go there, usedta could. I think it is a combination of the first two a little bit of understanding and then moving on.
I woke up after a really bad night of not sleeping even with the help of some nyquil. The alarm went off at 6:15 and my nyquil filled groggy brain screamed “NO WAY”. I was not going swimming this day and rolled over and stumbled out of bed an hour and a half later, showered, got tea and headed up to the phone to join in on an “All Leader” call that was a big deal for CTI as we were rolling out a whole new initiative that was going to create all sorts of chaos and change in our already changing world. I got on the phone bridge with 140 people all over the world and the technology just didn’t work. It was the biggest jumble of echos and cave talking that I have heard on a phone line since we cranked them. So as the folks at CTI did a miracle end run to find a different technology I stayed on the bridge with a bunch of souls who were waiting for the information that would be needed to move on to the next bridge. This was one of my highlights for the day where I felt very useful and gave me hope for the rest of the day. The call moved to another format and worked fine, Karen and Sabrina danced beautifully and I was in awe of their flexibility and their caring for relationship and connection. I finished the call and made my way down to San Rafael to meet with Karen and a financial advisor. The meeting was quite upbeat considering how meetings over this last year have gone. Then on to another meeting at CTI that was a bit of a struggle for me and ending with me being frustrated and not being able to express my frustration in any kind of powerful or appropriate way, sort of like I was still on the nyquil saying “no way” and wanting to roll over and hit the snooze bar again. After an unsuccessful “conversation” with Karen I headed home and picked up some sweet and sour pork at the chinese carry out and had a scotch on the rocks and watched a movie. There were a couple of saves in that day but it was mostly errors. Even reliving it hasn’t helped me find much to value about the day. The biggest thing to value is that I didn’t pretend that it didn’t exist, which was tempting. I counted it anyway, because days like this one happen to me and all of us and I think I counted it because by counting it and letting it go it doesn’t have to become some sort of pattern or “way it is”. My judge doesn’t get to get a hold of that day and say “SEE I told you so”. I get to have a whole new day starting this morning with a wonderful body meditation swim, where I feel my body moving like an arrow through the water. yippee.