Finding the Switch Off

Well well I am in the midst of a rainy day. It was raining so hard that my power went out this morning and all the clocks went out and reset to midnight when the power came back on. So I missed my alarm going off at 6:15 to go swimming. When I woke up at 6:45ish (according to my watch) and the rain was still coming down much harder then a light mist or easily enjoyable swimming rain I reconsidered my swim this morning which was already shortened by 20 minutes due to alarm clocks not alarming. I came up to look at the weather forecast on the computer and it says we might actually have thunder and lightning storms today, an unusual experience here on the coast. I love to watch thunder storms roll in over the water, so lets keep our fingers crossed.

The consciousness switch.I was all prepped to go swimming to kick start my commitments after 30 hours or so of the consciousness switch being on off. For some reason I flipped that switch to off after several days of wonderful conversations, creative design work and honoring of practices. Karen and John left late Tuesday afternoon and I came up here and played some games for a bit and then poured a scotch and settled down in front of the TV and even though I had gotten up to swim at 5:30am that morning I mesmerized myself until around 1in the morning watching show after show after movie past the point of conscious knowing it was time to go to bed to that place of paralytic immobility to the place where I could have just stayed like that for many more hours and finally to a lucid moment of absurd realization that I had now officially blown any plans of swimming the next morning and having an “absurd world” smirk of disgust I turned off the telly and went to bed. I arose the next morning too late to swim, of course, and proceeded to have an ‘off switch’ day where I noodled around all day doing nothing, appointments that were scheduled magically cancelled and my day was freed up for more nothing, except for an appointment I had to drive to in the late afternoon to meet a new guy who is probably going to work at CTI down at Karen’s apartment in San Rafael. So I drove down to the meeting made it there in time and had a good chat with Kevin, headed back here to the beach with a stop for gas and some sweets to help me get back to the land of unconsciousness which I leaped back into seemingly joyfully although I was fairly unconscious at the time and couldn’t give you a very accurate read of my emotional state. Mostly when I am in that state what I recall is more of a numb satisfaction then joy. So I was probably more accurately in a state of numb satisfaction or as we say in Leadership walking dead. I got back here to the house and went on with my routines of the walking dead and ended up back in front of the TV, after my 2nd or 3rd conversation with Karen that day where we talked about feeling disconnected and I did a pretty good job, for a walking dead guy, of faking taking responsibility for my end and helping her see how she was responsible from her end. In the last call she was needing my help to get her out of a ‘fret’ she was working up. Well nothing calls forth mySelf, my consciousness, more then my beloved needing my help to work her back to her power.

Turning it back up.

So as I turned the dimmer up on my consciousness and her fret dissipated I started to feel returned and ready to be conscious again. I finished watching the show I was watching and realized that my shirt had been inside out all day. I had driven down to meet with Kevin and been the walking dead out in the world all afternoon with my shirt inside out. It flipped me out a bit so I call Karen back to let her know what happened. In her completely unfretted way she told me how cute I was and had me giggle about it and told me to go to bed. I went to bed thanking the universe for such an obvious sign of being unconsciousness and prepared to return to my conscious life this morning when the alarm didn’t go off.

I find it all a bit humorous this morning and a bit nerve wracking. Was that 30 hours or so lost time? Was it necessary off time that my system somehow needed? Was it all an emotional reaction to being alone after having such great connection? Was it a time when I needed to go into my cave so badly that I wasn’t even consciously aware of it and so I just took a dive in instead of choosing to go in consciously? Is this something I still need to work on in mySelf? These are all questions I am entertaining this morning as I sit here in the rain with the switch up. What do you think?

One response to “Finding the Switch Off

  1. Henry, I loved your description of the “off-switch” and the “walking dead” (especially the part about the shirt inside out). Feels like I’ve done a lot of unconsciously walking dead lately myself and it feels good to know that I’m not alone this way. No surprise really, but mostly you don’t read about it as openly as in your blog.

    On the flip side, I felt myself moving into a more conscious state after reading some of Eckhart Tolle and Carlos Castaneda. (The emphasis is on “more conscious” as in not completely conscious, but not completely unconscious any more, either.)

    Good for you that you had a sign from the Universe (i.e. your alarm clock). That sounds a lot like Don Juan’s teachings in Castaneda’s books. I’m wondering though what else works for you in catching yourself unconscious or in reminding yourself to switch back to “on”? That seems to be the hardest part.

    Greetings from Germany,
    Andreas (the “Raw Man” 😉

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