Sometimes you gotta just go for it and not try to hold back the deadline.
Here it is almost noon on Saturday. I have had great day so far and more to come. I have pushed myself up against a deadline in a game I am playing and succeeded. I was aware of the excitement and the anticipation of approaching the deadline with things to accomplish and the clock ticking down, “would I make it or would all this effort be wasted and I fail?” The closer I got to the deadline the more I felt compelled to push on and I even got Karen to support me, she became my cheerleader and as she was over at her desk waving her pom poms and trying to figure out if there was anyway she could help, there I sat pulling on all the strings I could to beat this clock back and win this game. Well I did, with minutes to spare, and then the most remarkable thing happened, nothing. It was done I succeeded, brush my hands off smile a smile of achievement and move on to the next thing. Karen asked me “Is that it? after all these days of build up and excitement there is no more to it then that?” I looked up at her and said something to the effect that it was all in the playing of the game that the excitement lived, winning was nice and makes me smile, losing would have been a burp of a bummer and after my stomach settled I would be back to starting up the next game. It truly isn’t whether you win or lose, it is How you play the game. Winning makes you smile and losing makes you burp, oh well. But playing, sweating, building up the tension and the energy and committing your all to make it to the end with a win (it is hard to commit you all to make it to the end with a loss) is what the games are all about. The other thing that this game has to have is enough challenge to create all that sweat and tension. With out a challenge all that is required is some sort of numb and repetitive activity that may stimulate some brain or muscle cells but minimally. Whereas a challenging game wakes up your cells and brings aliveness into your being. Sometimes a game will start out challenging and then peter out, or a game will start out slow and maybe even be a little boring and as you close in on the deadline the heartbeat begins to pick up and then all circuits are thrown open and, bam, aliveness. I imagine and have experienced games in my life where it started with a bang and the tension and excitement was present during the entire arc of the game until the conclusion or the sound of the gong. I don’t think I could live life in that kind of a rush all the time and it is an awesome ride to have as frequently as possible. I also realize for me the game needs to be changed up. If I were to play the same game that I just finished this morning again tomorrow it would be too soon and I would be trying to recreate an experience which can’t be done. Experiences can only be created they can’t be re-created. Ruts are attempts to recreate experience. Some say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, I might add to that, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results as you had the last time. So my big lesson in consciousness today is to keep seeking out games that are stimulating from the get go through to the conclusion and to change them up some so that I don’t get into an insane rut.
In light of that I am going to go swimming this afternoon instead of my normal morning swim that got cancelled for the sake of playing my game. OHhhh I’m realizing something about practices. Practices are a game. They are a game that is repeated over and over, the difference is that the game is different every time. No meditation is like any other meditation, no swim is like any other swim, no blog entry is like any other blog entry, no visit to the farmers market is like any other, no knuckling down to honor and commit to my intentions is the same as any other time as long as I am conscious. No breath is the same as any other breath. So I guess in a way I have to take back much of what I wrote above or at least amend it.
Insanity is being unconscious of doing something over and over no matter what the expectations. Or you might just say that Insanity=unconscious, hmmmmmmmmmm.