A couple of posts ago I was writing about the distinction that I had discovered between practice and performance and how I needed to move more from a life based on performance to a life based on practice. I think I have been shuffling around between those two over the last 3 weeks not really choosing either path. I notice I am having a difficult time letting go of performance, much more difficult then my enlightened self would care to admit. I also notice that when I leave out my practices my life slips inevitably back to the familiar and sometimes abusive habits and patterns that homeostasis still insists on identifying me as being.
Those practices are always with me and gently calling to me suggesting how much more alive and conscious I will be if I simply step into these familiar old friends. That act of stepping though has so much junk and old beliefs clinging to it that it can sometimes feel like taking the first step on the moon, exciting and scary at the same time. The other challenging thing about that first step or choice is that I want to now keep performance out of it. I would often use “should” as the way to take that step or I would take that step to “look good” for Karen, the world, life, or you readers of my blog. Should and looking good are performance based motivation that will ultimately lead me back to those same old patterns and habits. No that step is for Me mySelf and I only. It is a step that I take regardless of the conditions of my life or my world because I know that it is always there to take, it is simple and I know how to take it. I take that step and make that choice because I know that it is a step that I take that I will never finish taking because there is no destination or goal, there is no place I will arrive at and say “whoa that journey has been worth all those steps and practicing”. In this journey there will be no applause or rewards for arriving somewhere. There will be no goal weight reached, no waist line achieved, no test passed, there will only be the ongoing satisfaction that happens as mySelf becomes more integrated and conscious. Oh sure there may be things that happen to me along the way that will be remarkable and greatly satisfying, but I can’t be setting those things out in front of me as goal and then start wrapping them up in performance. With these things that I have found to be true and good for me I need to do my Best to practice them and avoid choices around them that lead me down the path of performance.
I want to be clear that I am all for goals and performance based results for certain circumstances, just not in relationship with these practices.
Here is another truth that I can easily drop when I get busy. It is never the ‘wrong’ time to do practices, I am never too ‘busy’ to do practices. I have a very clear idea as to what practices to do on the road and when I am busy that will allow me to do my best at keeping my word to mySelf and growing my consciousness. I also know that there will be times when I slip and slide my way into not practicing and those times will lead me to less consciousness and a feeling of being a bit lost and out of touch with mySelf. These times are not ‘bad’ and I am not ‘wrong’, I haven’t even failed. Because I know that the practices are always right there to pick up and start using again, I feel them there gently nudging me back to consciousness and to growing this amazing being that I am.
I am also not sure I need to use this venue to hold me accountable for performance of the individual practices. I do want to continue to write about this journey and what I am learning and expanding in my awareness through these practices and sometimes it may be helpful to tell the truth about my practice, both in times of solid practice and times of slipping and sliding, but I am reminding mySelf here that I am not doing that for you readers, I am doing that for mySelf. I need to be aware of the seduction of performing for all of you out there who read this. That too can be a siren call back to performance.