The Circle in Me

This circle can be filled with many voices, and with a breath I can empty it if I choose.

“I am a fraud”, “I am magnificent”, “I have my head up my butt”, “I am conscious”, “I am a hopelessly fat and out of shape turd”, “I am an integrated being of love and spirit”, “I am lonely and depressed”, “I am strong and brilliant”, “I am lazy, wimpy and irresponsible”, “I am vigilant and deeply working to foster the evolution of consciousness”, “I am frightened and often feel alone”, “I am a sacred human, part of a miraculous stream of life and consciousness in relationship with a myriad of species”, “I am a frustrated creative”, “I am stepping into the mystery with every breath I take”.

All these voices and more are in my circle, right now in this moment. Who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’? Who is helping move life forward and who is helping in life’s destruction? Which voices are more entertaining to me or to others? Which voices are of the ego and which are of the higher self? I am not sure. Oh sure there are on the surface ‘bad’ voices and ‘good’ voices, and the minute I dig down into these voices I notice I can find some powerful life affirming beliefs under some of the ‘bad’ voices and some life destroying compensations under some of the ‘good’ voices. It is a complex inner world we humans create for ourselves sometimes.

I went to bed last night feeling more in tune with the ‘bad’ voices and I woke up after some really cool dreams, that I can’t remember any more except to realize they were state changing dreams, and recognized a caucophony of voices simultaneously wanting to take charge of my thinking. I realized that I could follow a bunch of different paths as I got out of bed that would lead to different states and ways of being today or at least this morning. So I headed off to the hot tub to soak for a bit and feel my way into a lot of those options and voices. I had a little giggle at how shizophrenic we humans are in every single moment and how thin a line it must be between those who are institutionalized and the rest of us. That line may be about choice, I don’t know maybe I have the ability to choose what voices to listen to and the folks in institutions don’t feel that they have that choice. All I know is that there I was floating in that hot tub and listening to the loudest voices, because there were a whole heck of a lot of voices chattering away behind those voices that weren’t as loud this morning that have been very loud at other times, and I was wondering what trail to follow. I was floating in fog so thick it was misting and I could barely see the end of the deck. The voices were chattering away and then to add to the noise in came some old tv theme songs to mess with it “The Beverly Hillbillies” “Gilligan’s Island” and “Green Acres”. As all of this was going on inside my mind another gentle voice came in and said “Isn’t this sort of funny and amazing that all of this can go on in here? And you know that with a breath you can turn it all off?” So there I was floating in the hot tub and I took a breath and whoosh it all dissappeared. I knew then that it was time to get out of the hot tub and come up here and write. What comes next is a mystery. I know there will be lots of opinions and points of view that will be coming from my inner circle and I know that with a breath I can make them all go quiet.

Sometimes you just gotta smile in wonder at the everything and nothing possibilities that exist in every moment.

4 responses to “The Circle in Me

  1. LOL! My Jungian mentor would call all those voices your personal cosmology. 🙂

    And he says, “It’s all politics!” It’s the politics of the inner world. The voices are campaigning, politicking, voting, lobbying. There’s a little U.N. inside every one of us, kicking up a fuss all the time.

    It’s so good to become aware of your own cosmology, since they’re running your country — the country of you. 🙂

    -Vicky Jo

  2. I’ve been reading David Whyte of recent. One of his phrases is sticking with me, with my voices, and alerted me again as I read your, oh great friend Henry, reflection on your and our all bad and good voices. Whyte says “train yourself to not ask questions (of yourself) that diminish you.” So true and so difficult. So YES to that breath that can turn it all off, and turn what is wanted on. Richard

  3. We are all these voices, and so many more, neh?

    I love the thin line and the giggles and the who knows what is good and what is bad of it all. Mostly though I am enjoying how this post doesn’t launch me into the 7-oh-sphere of ideas the way I thought it might.

    Instead I find my Self floating in a hot tub, in a fog, with occasional giggles, and one of my most honored mentors.

    Thank you.

  4. My speculative fiction universe (as yet unpublished outside of some online materials) mirrors the inner workings of my psyche so closely (right down to its fundamental characters and symbols) that it might well qualify as an inner cosmology.

    There’s a difference, perhaps, even though we’re both ENFPs (or so I understand): the harmony of the inner voices is increasing, step by step, under the increasingly wise and caring leadership of the chairman. May they do likewise for you.

    Best wishes,
    John Wheeler (יוחנן רכב)

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