Here I am again after being away from writing here for what feels like a very long time. For the last week or two I have been contemplating reentering this practice (along with one or two others that also took a summer vacation) and I have been agonizing a bit internally. I know there is continued value in exploring and expanding my consciousness and there is also value in exploring my successes and failures at keeping up with my practices and commitments made to mySelf and my world here in this blog. This blog is the place of accountability. I CAN try to lie to mySelf and my world and start to slip away from my commitments and back into old patterns while putting on a good face and appearing like I am still walking the path of enlightenment. I CAN pretend that everything is proceeding apace in order to impress whoever might read this. I can not lie to mySelf for very long without feeling like crap. I can’t lie to this blog and my world very long and then walk around in that world and look it in the eye with any feeling of integrity.
In the last couple months of my blog writing I was attempting to lie to mySelf and my world. I was pretending to hold myself accountable for the most part and only moving forward in a half-assed sort of way on my intentions and commitments. Oh sure I had times of celebration and times of realizations that were profound for me, like the distinction between practice and performance, now that was a life changer. For the most part though I was slipping backwards and away from those things that I KNOW work for me and towards habits that are deeply ingrained and feel “like normal” to me. The difference of course is that I am completely aware of what I need to do and there is no doubt or feelings of confusion or lostness anymore, there is only certainty of what works for me. And so now I return to those practices with full disclosure to mySelf and my world about the failures and successes. This will unfold in my blog as it did before because my blog is one of those practices. What is different, and what has been pulling on me these last months, is that a large part of me is going through a cycle where I am quite bored with mySelf and with my practices. I know I need to practice them and I need to write here occasionally to keep myself accountable AND….
I am so much more interested in other things these days and I want to write about them in my blog. I am reading new things, creating new things, stepping waaaay outside my box and into places that are scary and exciting for me. My consciousness is looking outwards again and seeing shiny new ideas and fun new goodies. These ideas and goodies are all aligned with my dedication to brightening the diamond of human consciousness and fostering evolution of life. I know that a pattern of mine that is not particularly healthy is to put the focus outside of myself and ignore this amazing universe of me that is growing and developing and struggling and learning and failing and winning and losing. So I am going to attempt to dance in the paradox and keep my attention on both directions at the same time. Inward and outward. The inward effects of looking outward and the outward impacts of looking inward. All are important to expanding consciousness.
There are lots of things that make me nervous about writing about what is happening as I look outwards. I am concerned that I will make people I love, like, work with and play with nervous as I sound out ideas that they are not yet aware of or think that I am thinking in other directions. I have fears and suspicions that there are folks out there who count on some sort of consistency of direction and thought that might get reactive and freaked out if I have thoughts, ideas and notions that don’t tow the line. I apologize in advance to those of you that I may in some way offend or frighten, that is not my intent. It is my intent to fumble my way forward into deeper understandings of things, ideas and directions. There are some out there that will be disappointed, disillusioned, maybe even a bit heartbroken. It breaks my heart to think that might happen. I need to move on not fearing those possible outcomes. I have to breathe into my heart, gut and mind and let what comes come. The truth is I started to get a bit frightened about my impact and started to hold things back more and try to think “strategically”. Like “when is it good to talk about this or that and when is it bad?” This is out of integrity for me. I actually learned a couple of weeks ago that “strategy” is fiction. It is just as made up as economics or fantasy. It is informed guessing about the future of things. I am aware that my strategies are just more reasonable then my fantasies but they are no more real. So to all the people who want me to follow prescribed strategies I want to say “I’ll do my best and if the story changes I am going to follow the story and not the prescribed strategy, sorry.”
So I think I made my point in this post to mySelf and my universe. (there all the same anyway)
Well off to a call with my ‘tribe’. More tommorow.