It’s one of those mornings where the sun is rising behind me with all of it’s muted pastels filling the sky while this big ole moon that is almost half sitting out there over the ocean going down. I love it when the sun is coming up while the moon is going down at the same time. There is something really complete about that something very satisfying. It also looks like the moon is shedding those few extra pounds for when she comes back later tonight, while the sun is blazing in his full glory with no interest in taking a few off. A glad heart.
To my few remaining readers I say hello. I realize that one of the costs of swinging on the pendulum as I have been doing is what I am writing about will swing around too. I’ll lose some readers when it swings towards what appears to be the same old conversation that I have been having since this blog began and seems to be so focused on me and my growth or shrinking. Then I’ll lose some readers when it swings back the other way, towards what I am doing in the world and where I am doing it, those readers have already heard versions of that before from me and are frightened of being advertised or proselytized to. Then I lose some other readers because their attention naturally goes somewhere else after I am absent for a month or so. I turn around and look up at my blog stats and voila where I once had a couple hundred readers I now have a couple dozen readers. Where I once had comments aplenty and “like” buttons being pushed every day or so I now have a scattering. All this isn’t supposed to matter and at some level it doesn’t, and yet at another level it does.
I committed to writing this blog for mySelf and no-one else and if other people found it, read it, liked it, hated it, came and went, commented or just stopped by for a read it wouldn’t matter because this was my way of opening up my consciousness and becoming more integrated in the body, mind, spirit and emotions. I have had to work with my ego as the blog went on and had periods of pride and satisfaction when there were times of lots of readers and people paying attention to me and writing all sorts of comments, oh yesss that made mr. ego very happy indeed and then he got all excited and wanted to get even more people engaged and be even more popular and so he “helped” me write a few posts that were less about mySelf and more about what I thought people “should” be thinking about. Of course my readers were a lot less interested in what my ego had to say then where I was looking when I was looking deeply into my own process and as deeply and truly into mySelf as I could at the time. As the readers lost interest my ego started judging and throwing little tantrums and this format began to fade for me as a way to do my work. At the same time the pendulum started swinging for me and as I hopped on my writing started to become a bit of a diary which it did from time to time, sort of a reporting of my present condition just to put a bookmark in for myself and my ego and any readers out there still paying attention. There was no deep looking though, no real work on my part, just riding the pendulum to see where it was going next.
Well it turned out that the pendulum was headed towards the relationship between myBody and mySelf. Which was where this all began several years ago. Yes sure I had done an incredible job at integrating and healing those separated and abused parts of mySelf, cleaning out a lot of the old limiting beliefs in my basement, and opening up my consciousness as to what my body wants, when it’s full, and how it’s feeling. My ego thought I should be done already with writing about my body and that what people would be more interested in was all this big work that has to be done in the world and what I am doing about it. My ego had huge judgments about me taking all of us back to the body and what more there was to learn there. It also was worried that the nature of the looking might seem contradictory to others or so obvious and simple that I should have gotten past it already and be able to move on to the smart stuff. He can be a son of a bitch that old ego.
A little side trip here that I didn’t go into awhile back even though it has turned out to be a bigger deal then I thought. Back in October I went and visited with Brian Hall, who wrote “Values Shift” a book written in 1990 when I was just starting to develop my coaching practice and the coaching profession was still being born. Part of the theories in this book is what we are basing the structures and shape of The Co-Active Summit on. As part of my meeting with Brian he ran through a values assessment of mine that I had taken before going down and visiting him. It turns out that the distribution of my values is such that most of the weight of the values is towards the more evolved values and I have little or no values at the early part of the evolutionary story. Very few values around physical needs and security. I just don’t seem to value body, home, safety, security and basic needs as much as I value spirit, growth, contribution, collaboration and synergy. What I realized is that I actually need to shore up those basic values and strengthen them if I am going to continue to move in the other direction. I can’t just move on into other realms. I can’t transcend without including.
So as I look out to grow my consciousness and seek higher levels of spiritual awareness and connection I also need to be paying attention to my foundations and strengthening my values around the basic needs and desires of the physical world, particularly my body and my home.
This side trip actually helped to point me on the direction I am focused on now with my body. The other thing that happened back in late September early October was that Karen came back from Black Lodge and she had just been doing her work with Mastery of Intention. This was the most powerful of the ceremonies that I had attended 2 years before and I was doing this ceremony with her virtually. When she returned I had reset my intentions as well and was ready to commit to joining her, for really the first time in our relationship, on a get our bodies in shape journey that we would share. This blew Karen away as it is something she has wanted for years and could get nowhere with me on it. We worked for awhile on designing our alliance around this new set of shared intentions. We joined SparkPeople.com, we started tracking our food, we bought a new scale and some armbands that help us become more conscious of what is going on with our bodies, we joined a gym and I hired a personal trainer. The journey has begun. The pendulum has swung. My ego is embarrassed and shy about it all and doesn’t want to mess it up and look bad in front of all of you readers and so although he is feeling quite righteous about there being fewer readers he actually isn’t too pissed off about it because he doesn’t really want that many readers these days.
MySelf doesn’t care. I just want to dance in the paradox of grappling with both ends of the evolutionary journey and include and transcend.