Man was I angry yesterday. The anger just filled me up and was running around wildly within me. It was filling up all parts of me. My little boy self was throwing a tantrum, my teenaged self was feeling pissy and resisant, my young man self was feeling righteous and indignant, my middle aged self was feeling frustrated and impotent, and my old man self was feeling bitter and resigned along with a healthy dose of hide the head in the sand syndrome.
At the same time as this anger was swirling around in all parts of me there was a part of me that was asking why? “Why am I angry, who is the object of my anger?” My reasonable self was trying to understand and couldn’t which only seemed to fuel all the anger even more. At one point I was pacing around downstairs, literally pulling at the hair on my temples and beard and talking to myself and trying to comprehend what this anger was about. This all consuming anger seemed to be pointed at God or the Universe and all the other manifestations that she/he/it takes for all of my selves. A part of me was really clear that I wasn’t mad at any one person or even event I was furious with God. As I am writing this even now I can really empathize with all those blokes in the old testament who shook their fists at God and probably in many other spiritual texts where we humans got pretty pissed off at that Great Mystery. We sure do love it when it all is unfolding according to our plans. But when it all seems to turn upside down we can sure take it mighty personally.
My small self is really clear that as we take this very uncomfortable and chaotic evolutionary leap of consciousness that it will be ugly and messy for everyone on the planet except me. According to my ego I have done all my own work and will somehow sail above all this mess and lightly land on the other side. All I have to do is powerfully point my consciousness and presto chango “evolution happens”. I can watch all that mess on the news as it unfolds with all those other people who didn’t quite get it right in time. I can just keep doing my work and know and feel it is right and I am righteous and float above it all untouched by what is happening.
My Self, my I Am, my sacred self, my soul, that part of me that is the universe and is connected to all that is, knows. I know deep inside mySelf that there is this deep yearning to know and feel it all in this life that I am living. Inside mySelf I am deeply patient and humble and filled with appreciation and gratefulness at the unfolding dream of life that is happening both inside of me and in the world that I can see and feel all around me. This Self knows that this circle that makes up all parts of Henry will go through all these cycles of life and transformation and that they are in fact speeding up and that they will indeed seem overwhelming and too much to bear sometimes, they will make him shake his fists at God and call it all unfair. There will be times when he thinks it’s all just too much and he’ll want to hide. There will be times when he is jubilant and excited as he feels life being powerfully affirmed and transformation popping in front of his eyes and knowing that he is there actively stewarding it along. There will be times of grief and fear for his own life and the lives of those that he loves as life prepares to move on to the next paradigm.
In all of that I am opening mySelf up to as wide and deep an ocean of consciousness that I can. That ocean will include all that is within me and ever more that appears not to be. I will continue to have lots of room for the complex human being that I am as I look to release the light of my spirit out into the universe. I will continue to consciously create a dream of life unfolding in this universe and that what needs healing is healed and what needs to fall away falls away. I also will continue to be surprised by life and the unfolding mystery, sometimes that surprise will create horrible feelings in me like the feeling created when my beautiful sister got sick and my friends in Japan were rocked, drowned and radiated, and sometimes that surprise will create exstatic feelings like when the Summit light filled the world, my sister got better and I heard from all my friends in Japan that they were ok.