Begin Again

My oh my. Time is flying by.

I have begun to start laying into an old destructive habit of avoidance and pretending around this blog and most of the other self generated work and practices of my life. I have been in a creative dip that has turned into a hole that has turned into a bottomless pit into which I have been free falling and not even bothering to reach for the sides and grab on so I can begin the crawl back up and out. Well here I am reaching.

Now this is NOT to say I haven’t been a busy boy. This is not to say I haven’t been fully and completely engaged in amazing and awesome work in many parts of this globe with many wonderful and inspiring souls. Since last I wrote here in this column, at the beginning of my free fall, I have been caring for loved family members, leading some pilots of some amazing new work for coaches at CTI, working with an awesome group of Kestrels as they leap off into space and towards their quests, and I have just returned from an inspiring journey to Dubai where I got to work with an incredibly authentic and open group of completely diverse people on opening up their ability to Trust. I have had loving and wonderful encounters with truly beautiful people from all over this earth of ours and have been richly filled up with love and acknowledgments. My beam of attention has been outward focused and my tractor beam has been pulling in all sorts of cherished attention and love.

The challenge has been on my inward focus and all the work I have done up until now on my body, spirit, mind and emotions seems to be sailing away on the sea in a small boat without me on it. My commitments to mySelf and to growing my consciousness while shrinking my body feel hard to find even though I know very well that they are right there in front of me. I am pulled by the old attractions, you might say addictions, to keeping my attention out on others and the world and deflecting it from myself or mySelf.

Even though I know that I am sailing in new waters, sometimes rough and sometimes calm, it feels like I am sailing in these new waters in my same old boat. At the Summit, something changed in me and my relationship to the world. I got bigger somehow. I became somehow able to hold more and to attend to and be responsible for a larger world. I grew up in my ability to receive, let in, absorb love, acknowledgment and energy and not be overwhelmed or frightened by it. All of this led me to realize that I could truly set tasks, quests and outrageous outcomes up for mySelf that had to do with consciousness and humanity and me living into my life purpose more powerfully and completely. I broke through into a new understanding of mySelf and what I am capable of in this lifetime.

While all this was happening and drawing my attention the very things that led me to this powerful place were atrophying and falling away from me. The practices that I had so carefully shaped for mySelf, like meditating, blogging and spending time outside, that I know work to keep growing me and at the same time keep me honest and present to who I am started to be skipped over and ignored and then disappeared all together. The great practices, tools and toys, like tracking food, working out at the gym or swimming, and buying and cooking excellent local foods, that I had put into place to complete the integration of my body and to shrink it to a healthy size became less important to me and I began to pretend that they weren’t important. All these things were an essential part of preparing me for my transformation and breakthrough and then after the breakthrough happened I kick into some old habits that must have been formed in childhood that are all about coiling myself back up into a little ball and sticking my head in the sand until everything returns to a normal and bearable, safe and recognizable space.

Well this is my declaration and rededication to stopping that habit or pattern and keeping mySelf fully extended into this new and transformed space that I have poked into while at the same time continuing to grow and integrate this wonderful Self that I am. I KNOW what I need to practice and I KNOW I will need to practice that no matter what. No matter how big I get, no matter how successful I get, no matter how much acknowledgment I receive, no matter how much love or admiration or inspiration comes my way, no matter how many more levels of breakthrough there might be in front of me. There will never come a time when I can delegate these things to someone else or buy these services or watch others do them and think that I am getting my job done or practicing what I KNOW needs to be practiced by me and me alone.

16 responses to “Begin Again

  1. Zen mind beginners mind….
    Be kind and be firm with yourself, steadfastly move forward on the path. Your honesty and willingness to change are astounding. Lighting a candle for you in my meditation tonight and supporting your efforts. Love, M

  2. An email from my friend Sydney.

    I just read your post, “Begin Again” (for some reason marbles danced before my eyes:) and I value the gift of reinforcing how important the practices that ground us in ourselves, our power, our whole selves, are. I realize you have many people who offer love and support AND I feel an urge to ask “What do you need from me? How can I support you?”
    with love,

  3. You write of the balance between cultivation of the Self and service to the world. As you so aptly described, we can either sacrifice Self to service, sometimes for reason of ego, or we can be engaged in service with our and whole and well attended self, thereby enlarging the whole, inculding us. The magic is that when we do our practices, it somehow takes us less time to do everything else, thereby creating a holigraphic effect. Thanks Henry, for sharing your authentic inner journey. There’s not many doing it this openly and this well.

  4. Thank you for sharing your process and struggle so authentically. Even amidst the unwillingness, your fierce willingness declares: Enough! and calls itself forth. How can you recognize the part of you that most wants to be listened to and loved by yourSelf now?

  5. From Julia Cameron – I read this today and thought of your post:
    “As artists, we are spiritual sharks. The ruthless truth is that if we don’t keep moving, we sink to the bottom and die. The choice is very simple: we can insist on resting on our laurels, or we can begin anew. The stringent requirement of a sustained creative life is the humility to start again, to begin anew.
    It is this willingness to once more be a beginner that distinguishes a creative career.

    And so it is…thank-you Henry!

  6. There are no accidents. I’ve paused. Cared for beloveds. And this morn just as i catch up on emaiils, I read your post at 5 a.m. At the airport on my way Home. I’ve breathed — but mostly I’ve provided care and coached my beloveds in self-care while neglecting my own. I needed you this morn, Henry — as I begin again, right here in the pre-dawn. I bow to you— and greet mySelf.

  7. Henry,

    I spent 5 consecutive days in the mountains and canyons of Colorado and Utah from April 28 through May 4. I had been there in 2009 to lead a geology field trip, and had wanted to go back ever since to see it as a tourist, and at a much slower pace. This time, I took it slow, really slooooooowwwww. Time stood still for 5 days, and I loved every second of it. I am committed to taking time like this every year, just for me. This annual trip has become an integral part of the “Practice of Me” So here’s to you Henry. Congratulations for jumping back in to yourself. What a cool idea “Jumping back into oneself” with the “Practice of Me”.

    Love from Texas and “hitting send too soon”

    Pistol Pete

  8. Hey Henry
    I join you in your rededication to the practices that energize our minds, bodies and souls. The more we love ourselves, the more love we have for others.
    Tread lightly on yourself and remember how many of us out here are counting on your leadership and light.
    Use that for motivation too if it helps.
    Now play ball!!!!

  9. Henry,
    What a blessing to witness your process as you, yourself, continue to transform… so profound that the global effects of your work are SO evident, SO present, yet the effects of your efforts on your own, personal transformation are feeling nonexistent to you.
    I attribute much of my own stepping forth to rare and precious opportunities such as this one… I’m getting a resounding sense of you/me becoming that smaller/larger self/Self as I witness the spiral of growth that you’ve spun.
    May you (yourself) come to feel tethered, lovingly and securely held and doing just what you need to be fully extended into the newly transformed space of you.
    Deep bows…

  10. Henry,

    By all means begin again, but change the tune – will ya? This time do things differently. Line up your personal trainer, find people who will keep you accountable and souls brave enough to call you on your bullshit. Look for people who can spot you hiding under the demands of your changing the world – which, by the way you would do even if you didn’t do a single thing other than to devote yourself 100% to reducing your size (Oh how that would change the world!). Just do what you have to do – you know, the stuff that scares the crap out of you.

    SOMETHING has to change to make what you want to accomplish happen. I so want to offer sweet words of encouragement, and I my guts just can’t let me do that. All the cool stuff you are doing in the world is AMAZING and… it’s easy and enjoyable for you. Losing weight is not easy for you, and you have to work really really hard at it – and yet this is where you are yearning to go. Of all the things you have done – you have not beaten the odds with your weight – perhaps this is your greatest challenge. Your words here are great. I’m more interested in your actions.

    I think you’re fine human being, and if you never lose a pound I’ll still think that. It’s you – YOU WANT THIS! You’ve been talking about this for a number of years now – and there has to be a change to your approach. You are right, ultimately you have to do this alone – we all do. You need people to keep you on track and to lead and serve you in reaching your goals – you cannot do that by yourself. (Now there wouldn’t be much need for coaches in the world if we could do that by ourselves would there?)

    Take this for what it’s worth to you Henry (or even better – prove me wrong!) Please know that it comes with love, compassion and respect.


  11. I just am catching up with your blog, Dear Henry and I cannot stress enough how courageous you are and how enlightened Doug’s post is. Brilliant. I could NOT do it alone and I doubt you can either. I found an answer. It is difficult in the surrender, but it embodies all the self care I could ever need. If you are interested, contact me. The definition of insanity….”Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I love you, Henry and I totally get you. Totally. It is impossible to forever change your weight and keep the same relationship with food. When it functions as a drug, a passion and a friend, no matter how divine, it will take you places you’d rather not go…..again and again and again. Lay it down.

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