My oh my. Time is flying by.
I have begun to start laying into an old destructive habit of avoidance and pretending around this blog and most of the other self generated work and practices of my life. I have been in a creative dip that has turned into a hole that has turned into a bottomless pit into which I have been free falling and not even bothering to reach for the sides and grab on so I can begin the crawl back up and out. Well here I am reaching.
Now this is NOT to say I haven’t been a busy boy. This is not to say I haven’t been fully and completely engaged in amazing and awesome work in many parts of this globe with many wonderful and inspiring souls. Since last I wrote here in this column, at the beginning of my free fall, I have been caring for loved family members, leading some pilots of some amazing new work for coaches at CTI, working with an awesome group of Kestrels as they leap off into space and towards their quests, and I have just returned from an inspiring journey to Dubai where I got to work with an incredibly authentic and open group of completely diverse people on opening up their ability to Trust. I have had loving and wonderful encounters with truly beautiful people from all over this earth of ours and have been richly filled up with love and acknowledgments. My beam of attention has been outward focused and my tractor beam has been pulling in all sorts of cherished attention and love.
The challenge has been on my inward focus and all the work I have done up until now on my body, spirit, mind and emotions seems to be sailing away on the sea in a small boat without me on it. My commitments to mySelf and to growing my consciousness while shrinking my body feel hard to find even though I know very well that they are right there in front of me. I am pulled by the old attractions, you might say addictions, to keeping my attention out on others and the world and deflecting it from myself or mySelf.
Even though I know that I am sailing in new waters, sometimes rough and sometimes calm, it feels like I am sailing in these new waters in my same old boat. At the Summit, something changed in me and my relationship to the world. I got bigger somehow. I became somehow able to hold more and to attend to and be responsible for a larger world. I grew up in my ability to receive, let in, absorb love, acknowledgment and energy and not be overwhelmed or frightened by it. All of this led me to realize that I could truly set tasks, quests and outrageous outcomes up for mySelf that had to do with consciousness and humanity and me living into my life purpose more powerfully and completely. I broke through into a new understanding of mySelf and what I am capable of in this lifetime.
While all this was happening and drawing my attention the very things that led me to this powerful place were atrophying and falling away from me. The practices that I had so carefully shaped for mySelf, like meditating, blogging and spending time outside, that I know work to keep growing me and at the same time keep me honest and present to who I am started to be skipped over and ignored and then disappeared all together. The great practices, tools and toys, like tracking food, working out at the gym or swimming, and buying and cooking excellent local foods, that I had put into place to complete the integration of my body and to shrink it to a healthy size became less important to me and I began to pretend that they weren’t important. All these things were an essential part of preparing me for my transformation and breakthrough and then after the breakthrough happened I kick into some old habits that must have been formed in childhood that are all about coiling myself back up into a little ball and sticking my head in the sand until everything returns to a normal and bearable, safe and recognizable space.
Well this is my declaration and rededication to stopping that habit or pattern and keeping mySelf fully extended into this new and transformed space that I have poked into while at the same time continuing to grow and integrate this wonderful Self that I am. I KNOW what I need to practice and I KNOW I will need to practice that no matter what. No matter how big I get, no matter how successful I get, no matter how much acknowledgment I receive, no matter how much love or admiration or inspiration comes my way, no matter how many more levels of breakthrough there might be in front of me. There will never come a time when I can delegate these things to someone else or buy these services or watch others do them and think that I am getting my job done or practicing what I KNOW needs to be practiced by me and me alone.