Karen’s gone off to Mexico for 11 days to do her final ceremony with the Black Lodge teachings. I am home alone with my new friend Cosmo(s) and cold toes. I am sitting down in our guest bedroom that has been turned into a makeshift office as we go through a small remodel of our shared office upstairs. My toes are a little cold, because I forgot to put my slippers on this morning before coming down here and I don’t want to get up and get them because Cosmo is all curled up and settled down behind my chair and I know if I get up he’ll get all excited and think something fun and adventurous is going to happen, he’ll pop up wag his tail look at me expectedly and then follow me up to get my slippers and then as I head down the stairs back to my desk with warm toes he’ll stop at the top of the stairs and cock his head and look at me in such a way that the only way that I’ll be able to interpret it is the “Are you kidding? I thought we were going to do something fun and you were going to play with me and now we are going to go back into that room and you are going to sit in that chair and I am going to be sooooooo bored. I am going to do it because I am crazy about you and I am the best dog in the entire world, but I want to put you on warning I am going to take it out on you in some way in the not too distant future.” look. If you have a dog, especially a puppy then you know that look. So I think I’ll sit here with cold toes.
I promised myself that while Karen was gone I would get down here and write in my blog. I know that it is an excellent way for me to get grounded and to open up my consciousness. It is a practice that helps me tremendously to focus all parts of mySelf and point them in the same direction.
It is also something that my ego and my saboteurs can grab hold of as something that other people will read so “I had better look good, be brilliant, say important things and most of all stay consistent and maintain my integrity.” That same part of me stokes the fires of guilt that burn inside for not being all of those things and while it is putting logs of embarrassment, make wrong and stupid jerk on that fire it is yelling with all of it’s buddies down there in the pits who are stoking other fires all sorts of threats and put downs that waft up with the smoke to my ears and they say things like “If you write this blog again in any sort of regular way and say you’re going to do something and live according to certain principals and you mess up the whole world will laugh at you and never believe you again” and “See no matter what you think you’ll do or say you’ll do you will still always be the same stupid idiot of a jerk you always were and you will end up alone and hating yourself and the world even more then they hate you and are laughing at you.” Those guys are always down there shoveling some shit, sneering and sniffling and ranting. Yeah there down there for me too.
And sometimes they are subtle and almost believable as they soothingly whisper in my ear some distractions and falsehoods that sure sound true, especially the longer I am away from the thing they are whispering about. In this case blogging. I don’t know if this happens to you but it often would show up when I hadn’t gotten back to someone in awhile or sent out a thankyou card for a Christmas present and here it is March already. That voice that is so quietly persuasive that says “oh well just let it go, if you wrote anything now you would really look like an idiot” and in the next breath would say “but you really should send it out because that is what you are supposed to do” and then wait for it …..”If you don’t do it then Mom (or fill in the blank ____) will get mad”.
Then after dillying and dallying in the stupor of that miasma for awhile another voice comes in more clearly and more patiently. This voice is a reminder of who I really am. This voice is like the surf of the ocean just continually repeating on the beach of my soul that I am fine. I am doing and being exactly who I am meant to be and do at this time in my life and that I KNOW what works for me and what doesn’t. I KNOW even when sometimes I forget, or get too busy, or get distracted what I was put into this life for. I KNOW what I need to do to maintain mySelf in an integrated way. I KNOW (imagine the surf hitting the sand with each one of those I KNOW’s). As I listen to that voice I come back into mySelf and I feel the tug of war that shows up like resistance but I KNOW is just the returning of mySelf from whatever autopilot existence it has found itself in and being pulled by the undertow while at the same time landing on the beach of my soul. That push and pull is the tension of being alive in this body at this time in my life. Sometimes I am in the pull of the undertow and sometimes I am in the push of the surf and sometimes I am in the tension of both.
It’s all good and as I breathe in and out and my heart continues to beat the waves hit the beach and then get pulled back out.
So here I am back on the beach for a spell looking up and down and watching Cosmo run and play with all the dogs and people on the beach like he was their best buddy and I am thinking “Maybe it’s time to get back to the blog”